Crikey, I should post!!!!
After my last post I went into a bit of a depressive slump. I started to relapse a bit with the ED, nothing major but wasn't eating as much, exercising more and lost some weight. Not sure why; think I was lonely and possibly the effect of revealing all about the frusemide thing. I felt vulnerable, etc etc.
Anyhooo, last Saturday L and I went to Cornwall for the week for our annual jollies. We're lucky that L's mum owns the place so it's free, excpet the exorbitant fuel prices down there. L was determined to make me eat more, and I kinda did in that I had fish and chips for dinner a few nights, otherwise living on fruit. We went surfing a lot which is knackering but really good fun. Riding a horse gives you good balance on a surf board!!! I got to test drive my new wet suit which I got off eBay last year. Did loads of walking and was generally pretty active. The dog loved it!
Got back this evening; 9 fricking hours driving!!! Should be 6 hours but roads were busy. On a bit of a healthy eating diet for a few weeks to loose fish and chips flab. Going to see Mizz tomorrow which is good as she's a really sick horse right now. If these meds don't work I may lose her. Please all spare a thought for her.
Will write more tomorrow.
Saturday, 19 July 2008
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Later....
Well, I did it, I told Larry about the frusemide.
I didn't give him enough credit. He was wonderful. Wasn't angry this time. He just held me, which I'd needed oh so much. He appeared to understnad too, and could see how hard it had been to tell people about it. He also saw what a significant step in my recovery it is.
Yesterday I set a bomb off; ever since I've expected the after shock but was met with love, compassion and support. I feel incredibly blessed right now. And incredibly tired from the upset!
I didn't give him enough credit. He was wonderful. Wasn't angry this time. He just held me, which I'd needed oh so much. He appeared to understnad too, and could see how hard it had been to tell people about it. He also saw what a significant step in my recovery it is.
Yesterday I set a bomb off; ever since I've expected the after shock but was met with love, compassion and support. I feel incredibly blessed right now. And incredibly tired from the upset!
It's been a while
You've probably been thinking I'm busy living it up. The truth is I've been struggling with so many things. Just couldn't face writing anything and putting it into words.
I've been tryng to keep up with the eating, and am kinda managing that. Through a lot of riding and general exercise I've gained muscle so am stronger in general. But there's more to recovering from an eating disorder than just eating. I've slowly managed to cut down on diet pills, and am slowly reducing my laxatives. This week I managed to get rid of the dulcolax altogether, so its just 10 senna to get rid of now. This time last year it was 50 senna and 50 dulcolax, so that in itself it a massive achievement. But there was something else. For a long time now I've been taking diuretics, bought offline. Every time I've gone cold turkey I end up grossly swollen with fluid, so much so that I can't bend my fingers or knees. But it's hard to reduce them over time, and the resulting increase in oedema was more than I could cope with. It's hard to undo 20 years of anorexia all at once, and until now I couldn't face stopping the frusemide too.
One thing about me is I hate lying, and I've always said I will never lie about anything, but when it comes to eating disorder stuff I probably will. I've always hidden the diuretics. When Larry found them last October when I was in hospital after searching my room, he was furious at me for hiding them. I led everyone to think I wasn't taking them anymore. Had I been directly asked if I was taking them I would've told the truth; my dad did just that so I was honest. But I did hide them.
Yesterday I saw my ED consultant and I ended up telling her and begging for help to get off them. I know from experience I can't do it alone; so I was honest. And my God was it hard. She was supportive and said she'd write and tell my GP, but I had to see him today to get my nose cauterised (damn nosebleeds!) and wanted him to hear it from me first. Out of everone, it was the thought of keeping it from him and Larry that made me feel the worst. He was wonderful, very supportive, very understanding, even gave me a hug at the end. And they are in short supply these days so that was valuable in itself. Now I need to tell Larry, but I know he won't be as understanding. He'll take it as a personal insult that I hadn't told him. But I didn't have to tell anyone; I chose to tell them. Doesn't that mean anything? I wanted to tell him long ago but he gets so self-involved with work and such that I'm forever supporting him. He can't cope with stuff like that, only wants to know that everything's fine.
I'm tring so hard to get well, and telling them about this is another step in that. But I'm so scared to tell Larry as he may well end our relationship.
I've been tryng to keep up with the eating, and am kinda managing that. Through a lot of riding and general exercise I've gained muscle so am stronger in general. But there's more to recovering from an eating disorder than just eating. I've slowly managed to cut down on diet pills, and am slowly reducing my laxatives. This week I managed to get rid of the dulcolax altogether, so its just 10 senna to get rid of now. This time last year it was 50 senna and 50 dulcolax, so that in itself it a massive achievement. But there was something else. For a long time now I've been taking diuretics, bought offline. Every time I've gone cold turkey I end up grossly swollen with fluid, so much so that I can't bend my fingers or knees. But it's hard to reduce them over time, and the resulting increase in oedema was more than I could cope with. It's hard to undo 20 years of anorexia all at once, and until now I couldn't face stopping the frusemide too.
One thing about me is I hate lying, and I've always said I will never lie about anything, but when it comes to eating disorder stuff I probably will. I've always hidden the diuretics. When Larry found them last October when I was in hospital after searching my room, he was furious at me for hiding them. I led everyone to think I wasn't taking them anymore. Had I been directly asked if I was taking them I would've told the truth; my dad did just that so I was honest. But I did hide them.
Yesterday I saw my ED consultant and I ended up telling her and begging for help to get off them. I know from experience I can't do it alone; so I was honest. And my God was it hard. She was supportive and said she'd write and tell my GP, but I had to see him today to get my nose cauterised (damn nosebleeds!) and wanted him to hear it from me first. Out of everone, it was the thought of keeping it from him and Larry that made me feel the worst. He was wonderful, very supportive, very understanding, even gave me a hug at the end. And they are in short supply these days so that was valuable in itself. Now I need to tell Larry, but I know he won't be as understanding. He'll take it as a personal insult that I hadn't told him. But I didn't have to tell anyone; I chose to tell them. Doesn't that mean anything? I wanted to tell him long ago but he gets so self-involved with work and such that I'm forever supporting him. He can't cope with stuff like that, only wants to know that everything's fine.
I'm tring so hard to get well, and telling them about this is another step in that. But I'm so scared to tell Larry as he may well end our relationship.
Friday, 13 June 2008
Yay! Tagged!
Dagny at Who Is John Galt? tagged me, so here goes.
A) Four places that I go over and over again: the stables, therapy (fun!), GP surgery (what a life I lead!), swimming pool
B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly): Dagny, my dad (usually funny forwards), no one else regularly emails :(
C) Four of my favorite places to eat: Bella Italia, picnic in Sennen Cove in Cornwall, Harvester (looove the salad cart!), here when L's cooked
D) Four places I would rather be right now: Sudbury, Cornwall, Jamaica, New Zealand
E) Four TV shows I watch over and over: Heroes, Lost, Neighbours (gotta love Aussie soaps!), Casualty
F) Four people I think will respond: would say Dagny had she not already tagged me!, LizB, Annie, not sure who else!
Thanks Dagny! Anyone else feel free to have a go, though I suspect they may already have done it as this is quite old.
Proper post later about fun and games at my parents' house the past week. So good to get back to a computer with more than 512 RAM!
A) Four places that I go over and over again: the stables, therapy (fun!), GP surgery (what a life I lead!), swimming pool
B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly): Dagny, my dad (usually funny forwards), no one else regularly emails :(
C) Four of my favorite places to eat: Bella Italia, picnic in Sennen Cove in Cornwall, Harvester (looove the salad cart!), here when L's cooked
D) Four places I would rather be right now: Sudbury, Cornwall, Jamaica, New Zealand
E) Four TV shows I watch over and over: Heroes, Lost, Neighbours (gotta love Aussie soaps!), Casualty
F) Four people I think will respond: would say Dagny had she not already tagged me!, LizB, Annie, not sure who else!
Thanks Dagny! Anyone else feel free to have a go, though I suspect they may already have done it as this is quite old.
Proper post later about fun and games at my parents' house the past week. So good to get back to a computer with more than 512 RAM!
Thursday, 5 June 2008
*sigh*
I'm sinking.
It's so damn hard.
Can't give up but I'm really, really struggling at the moment.
Feel so alone.
It's so damn hard.
Can't give up but I'm really, really struggling at the moment.
Feel so alone.
Sunday, 1 June 2008
Another weekend away
This time it was at L's mum's house.
We went down on Friday night, and the roads weren't too bad. The last hour or so of the journey is nice as it's through country lanes. At one point we stopped and watched a group of deer in a field. It was dusk, and the low light and complete silence apart from bird song made it feel very surreal. It's nice to see some wildlife still exists.
The Saturday was quite cool as L's mum took me to her beauty salon for a pedicure and facial! I'd never had anything like that done before so it was pretty exciting. Needless to say I washed my face and feet very well beforehand!
I was pleased to hear my feet had very little hard skin and the cuticles weren't bad either! I had them cleaned in a foot jacuzzi, then the cuticles were trimmed and the hard skin buzzed away with a machine thing. Then my feet and ankles were massaged, and finally my toenails painted. They look pretty good! Anyone want to guess what colour I have on them?! (Dagny you'll probably get it in one!)
After that was my facial. The woman looked at my skin and said it is very sensitive and reacting to my current moisturiser, and is also very very dehydrated (probably because of my kidneys). So she exfoliated it, cleansed it, massaged it to drain lymphatic fluid, then put on a hydrating mask. While that did its thing she massaged my head and shoulders/upper arms. Finally she cleaned the mask off, moisturised me, and popped on a bit of lip gloss. My face was glowing! It looked brilliant!
Not content to just completely spoil me like that, L's mum bought me some of the recommended skincare products (Clarins). She'd had the same done, and being well-off, can afford to do so regularly. I felt great afterwards. But also a bit bad. She was so very kind to take me and pay for me (the whole lot was about £100), and she says its because she's proud of me for trying so hard with my eating so wanted to do something positive for my body. But I feel guilty whenever I have something nice like that; I feel unworthy of it and am not used to niceness like that. I kept thanking her, but even that didn't seem enough!
Today my face still looks nice, and I am really pleased that the redness (from allergy to old moisturiser!) is settling down now. The lady who did it knows L's mum well, and told her that I'm "a pretty little thing" and she hopes one of her sons finds a girl like me. How sweet is that?! So yeah, when I'm feeling quite blah about my body, this was a really positive weekend for me which has really helped.
Last week I had to go and get new bras, and it turns out with the help of the pill, my boobs have gone from a 32A to a 32C!!!
Now I'm veeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy tired (despite an 11 hour sleep last night!) so am vegging for the rest of the day - not that there's much of it left seeing as it's 5.30pm!
Hope you are all having a good weekend. I'll read your blogs tomorrow.
We went down on Friday night, and the roads weren't too bad. The last hour or so of the journey is nice as it's through country lanes. At one point we stopped and watched a group of deer in a field. It was dusk, and the low light and complete silence apart from bird song made it feel very surreal. It's nice to see some wildlife still exists.
The Saturday was quite cool as L's mum took me to her beauty salon for a pedicure and facial! I'd never had anything like that done before so it was pretty exciting. Needless to say I washed my face and feet very well beforehand!
I was pleased to hear my feet had very little hard skin and the cuticles weren't bad either! I had them cleaned in a foot jacuzzi, then the cuticles were trimmed and the hard skin buzzed away with a machine thing. Then my feet and ankles were massaged, and finally my toenails painted. They look pretty good! Anyone want to guess what colour I have on them?! (Dagny you'll probably get it in one!)
After that was my facial. The woman looked at my skin and said it is very sensitive and reacting to my current moisturiser, and is also very very dehydrated (probably because of my kidneys). So she exfoliated it, cleansed it, massaged it to drain lymphatic fluid, then put on a hydrating mask. While that did its thing she massaged my head and shoulders/upper arms. Finally she cleaned the mask off, moisturised me, and popped on a bit of lip gloss. My face was glowing! It looked brilliant!
Not content to just completely spoil me like that, L's mum bought me some of the recommended skincare products (Clarins). She'd had the same done, and being well-off, can afford to do so regularly. I felt great afterwards. But also a bit bad. She was so very kind to take me and pay for me (the whole lot was about £100), and she says its because she's proud of me for trying so hard with my eating so wanted to do something positive for my body. But I feel guilty whenever I have something nice like that; I feel unworthy of it and am not used to niceness like that. I kept thanking her, but even that didn't seem enough!
Today my face still looks nice, and I am really pleased that the redness (from allergy to old moisturiser!) is settling down now. The lady who did it knows L's mum well, and told her that I'm "a pretty little thing" and she hopes one of her sons finds a girl like me. How sweet is that?! So yeah, when I'm feeling quite blah about my body, this was a really positive weekend for me which has really helped.
Last week I had to go and get new bras, and it turns out with the help of the pill, my boobs have gone from a 32A to a 32C!!!
Now I'm veeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy tired (despite an 11 hour sleep last night!) so am vegging for the rest of the day - not that there's much of it left seeing as it's 5.30pm!
Hope you are all having a good weekend. I'll read your blogs tomorrow.
Thursday, 29 May 2008
Carbs!
Why are you so naughty? You tempt me with your complex sugars, making me long for you! I've avoided you for years, now I dream of eating you as toast, or rice or fries. It's very naughty, you will jump on my thighs and make my butt wobble. But I crave your forbidden treasures........
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