It's been a while

You've probably been thinking I'm busy living it up. The truth is I've been struggling with so many things. Just couldn't face writing anything and putting it into words.

I've been tryng to keep up with the eating, and am kinda managing that. Through a lot of riding and general exercise I've gained muscle so am stronger in general. But there's more to recovering from an eating disorder than just eating. I've slowly managed to cut down on diet pills, and am slowly reducing my laxatives. This week I managed to get rid of the dulcolax altogether, so its just 10 senna to get rid of now. This time last year it was 50 senna and 50 dulcolax, so that in itself it a massive achievement. But there was something else. For a long time now I've been taking diuretics, bought offline. Every time I've gone cold turkey I end up grossly swollen with fluid, so much so that I can't bend my fingers or knees. But it's hard to reduce them over time, and the resulting increase in oedema was more than I could cope with. It's hard to undo 20 years of anorexia all at once, and until now I couldn't face stopping the frusemide too.

One thing about me is I hate lying, and I've always said I will never lie about anything, but when it comes to eating disorder stuff I probably will. I've always hidden the diuretics. When Larry found them last October when I was in hospital after searching my room, he was furious at me for hiding them. I led everyone to think I wasn't taking them anymore. Had I been directly asked if I was taking them I would've told the truth; my dad did just that so I was honest. But I did hide them.

Yesterday I saw my ED consultant and I ended up telling her and begging for help to get off them. I know from experience I can't do it alone; so I was honest. And my God was it hard. She was supportive and said she'd write and tell my GP, but I had to see him today to get my nose cauterised (damn nosebleeds!) and wanted him to hear it from me first. Out of everone, it was the thought of keeping it from him and Larry that made me feel the worst. He was wonderful, very supportive, very understanding, even gave me a hug at the end. And they are in short supply these days so that was valuable in itself. Now I need to tell Larry, but I know he won't be as understanding. He'll take it as a personal insult that I hadn't told him. But I didn't have to tell anyone; I chose to tell them. Doesn't that mean anything? I wanted to tell him long ago but he gets so self-involved with work and such that I'm forever supporting him. He can't cope with stuff like that, only wants to know that everything's fine.

I'm tring so hard to get well, and telling them about this is another step in that. But I'm so scared to tell Larry as he may well end our relationship.