Back by popular demand!

Crikey, I should post!!!!

After my last post I went into a bit of a depressive slump. I started to relapse a bit with the ED, nothing major but wasn't eating as much, exercising more and lost some weight. Not sure why; think I was lonely and possibly the effect of revealing all about the frusemide thing. I felt vulnerable, etc etc.

Anyhooo, last Saturday L and I went to Cornwall for the week for our annual jollies. We're lucky that L's mum owns the place so it's free, excpet the exorbitant fuel prices down there. L was determined to make me eat more, and I kinda did in that I had fish and chips for dinner a few nights, otherwise living on fruit. We went surfing a lot which is knackering but really good fun. Riding a horse gives you good balance on a surf board!!! I got to test drive my new wet suit which I got off eBay last year. Did loads of walking and was generally pretty active. The dog loved it!

Got back this evening; 9 fricking hours driving!!! Should be 6 hours but roads were busy. On a bit of a healthy eating diet for a few weeks to loose fish and chips flab. Going to see Mizz tomorrow which is good as she's a really sick horse right now. If these meds don't work I may lose her. Please all spare a thought for her.

Will write more tomorrow.

Later....

Well, I did it, I told Larry about the frusemide.
I didn't give him enough credit. He was wonderful. Wasn't angry this time. He just held me, which I'd needed oh so much. He appeared to understnad too, and could see how hard it had been to tell people about it. He also saw what a significant step in my recovery it is.

Yesterday I set a bomb off; ever since I've expected the after shock but was met with love, compassion and support. I feel incredibly blessed right now. And incredibly tired from the upset!

It's been a while

You've probably been thinking I'm busy living it up. The truth is I've been struggling with so many things. Just couldn't face writing anything and putting it into words.

I've been tryng to keep up with the eating, and am kinda managing that. Through a lot of riding and general exercise I've gained muscle so am stronger in general. But there's more to recovering from an eating disorder than just eating. I've slowly managed to cut down on diet pills, and am slowly reducing my laxatives. This week I managed to get rid of the dulcolax altogether, so its just 10 senna to get rid of now. This time last year it was 50 senna and 50 dulcolax, so that in itself it a massive achievement. But there was something else. For a long time now I've been taking diuretics, bought offline. Every time I've gone cold turkey I end up grossly swollen with fluid, so much so that I can't bend my fingers or knees. But it's hard to reduce them over time, and the resulting increase in oedema was more than I could cope with. It's hard to undo 20 years of anorexia all at once, and until now I couldn't face stopping the frusemide too.

One thing about me is I hate lying, and I've always said I will never lie about anything, but when it comes to eating disorder stuff I probably will. I've always hidden the diuretics. When Larry found them last October when I was in hospital after searching my room, he was furious at me for hiding them. I led everyone to think I wasn't taking them anymore. Had I been directly asked if I was taking them I would've told the truth; my dad did just that so I was honest. But I did hide them.

Yesterday I saw my ED consultant and I ended up telling her and begging for help to get off them. I know from experience I can't do it alone; so I was honest. And my God was it hard. She was supportive and said she'd write and tell my GP, but I had to see him today to get my nose cauterised (damn nosebleeds!) and wanted him to hear it from me first. Out of everone, it was the thought of keeping it from him and Larry that made me feel the worst. He was wonderful, very supportive, very understanding, even gave me a hug at the end. And they are in short supply these days so that was valuable in itself. Now I need to tell Larry, but I know he won't be as understanding. He'll take it as a personal insult that I hadn't told him. But I didn't have to tell anyone; I chose to tell them. Doesn't that mean anything? I wanted to tell him long ago but he gets so self-involved with work and such that I'm forever supporting him. He can't cope with stuff like that, only wants to know that everything's fine.

I'm tring so hard to get well, and telling them about this is another step in that. But I'm so scared to tell Larry as he may well end our relationship.

Yay! Tagged!

Dagny at Who Is John Galt? tagged me, so here goes.

A) Four places that I go over and over again: the stables, therapy (fun!), GP surgery (what a life I lead!), swimming pool

B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly): Dagny, my dad (usually funny forwards), no one else regularly emails :(

C) Four of my favorite places to eat: Bella Italia, picnic in Sennen Cove in Cornwall, Harvester (looove the salad cart!), here when L's cooked

D) Four places I would rather be right now: Sudbury, Cornwall, Jamaica, New Zealand

E) Four TV shows I watch over and over: Heroes, Lost, Neighbours (gotta love Aussie soaps!), Casualty

F) Four people I think will respond: would say Dagny had she not already tagged me!, LizB, Annie, not sure who else!

Thanks Dagny! Anyone else feel free to have a go, though I suspect they may already have done it as this is quite old.

Proper post later about fun and games at my parents' house the past week. So good to get back to a computer with more than 512 RAM!

*sigh*

I'm sinking.

It's so damn hard.

Can't give up but I'm really, really struggling at the moment.

Feel so alone.

Another weekend away

This time it was at L's mum's house.

We went down on Friday night, and the roads weren't too bad. The last hour or so of the journey is nice as it's through country lanes. At one point we stopped and watched a group of deer in a field. It was dusk, and the low light and complete silence apart from bird song made it feel very surreal. It's nice to see some wildlife still exists.

The Saturday was quite cool as L's mum took me to her beauty salon for a pedicure and facial! I'd never had anything like that done before so it was pretty exciting. Needless to say I washed my face and feet very well beforehand!

I was pleased to hear my feet had very little hard skin and the cuticles weren't bad either! I had them cleaned in a foot jacuzzi, then the cuticles were trimmed and the hard skin buzzed away with a machine thing. Then my feet and ankles were massaged, and finally my toenails painted. They look pretty good! Anyone want to guess what colour I have on them?! (Dagny you'll probably get it in one!)

After that was my facial. The woman looked at my skin and said it is very sensitive and reacting to my current moisturiser, and is also very very dehydrated (probably because of my kidneys). So she exfoliated it, cleansed it, massaged it to drain lymphatic fluid, then put on a hydrating mask. While that did its thing she massaged my head and shoulders/upper arms. Finally she cleaned the mask off, moisturised me, and popped on a bit of lip gloss. My face was glowing! It looked brilliant!

Not content to just completely spoil me like that, L's mum bought me some of the recommended skincare products (Clarins). She'd had the same done, and being well-off, can afford to do so regularly. I felt great afterwards. But also a bit bad. She was so very kind to take me and pay for me (the whole lot was about £100), and she says its because she's proud of me for trying so hard with my eating so wanted to do something positive for my body. But I feel guilty whenever I have something nice like that; I feel unworthy of it and am not used to niceness like that. I kept thanking her, but even that didn't seem enough!

Today my face still looks nice, and I am really pleased that the redness (from allergy to old moisturiser!) is settling down now. The lady who did it knows L's mum well, and told her that I'm "a pretty little thing" and she hopes one of her sons finds a girl like me. How sweet is that?! So yeah, when I'm feeling quite blah about my body, this was a really positive weekend for me which has really helped.

Last week I had to go and get new bras, and it turns out with the help of the pill, my boobs have gone from a 32A to a 32C!!!

Now I'm veeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy tired (despite an 11 hour sleep last night!) so am vegging for the rest of the day - not that there's much of it left seeing as it's 5.30pm!

Hope you are all having a good weekend. I'll read your blogs tomorrow.

Carbs!

Why are you so naughty? You tempt me with your complex sugars, making me long for you! I've avoided you for years, now I dream of eating you as toast, or rice or fries. It's very naughty, you will jump on my thighs and make my butt wobble. But I crave your forbidden treasures........

Back in rainy Notts

Well, my weekend away was brilliant. Saturday was meant to be L and my wedding day had I not got so ill, and it felt a bit funny waking up knowing I was supposed to be walking down the aisle. But hey, you can't dwell right?

So off we went to Cambridge, and it was actually a sunny day which was nice. We arrived at the hotel (a Holiday Inn) and I was happy to see there were fields out front with horses in! When we checked into our room we discovered that L's mum had had a huge bouquet of flowers delivered there for me, and a bottle of bubbly sat cooling in an ice bucket for us to share! It was amazing. I'd always dreamed someone would do that for me, and though it was my mother-in-law, not L himself, it still made me feel special.

After settling in we went for a walk round the lake and through fields which was nice. After such a stressful week for us both it was great to relax and laugh. When we got back we went to the hotel pool and swam, having a jacuzzi and blast in the steam room as well. I only lasted 5 mins in the steam room as too much heat isn't great if you have heart problems. But I did manage to go from steam room to the pool, thus managing a cold plunge!!!

On Saturday evening we watched Eurovision Song Contest and had our picnic. It was a really nice picnic; I'd made great savoury rice, but L did the rest. He did chicken and chorizo kebabs, cucumber sticks, salmon flakes, hard boiled eggs, bread sticks and dip and some ham. We hadn't eaten since breakfast and with all that exercise were pretty hungry! Eurovision itself was its usual pile of shite and we lost I think! But voting is always rigged as its all political. Scandinavian countries vote for themselves, as do Balkans, etc etc. We're all alone out there! I fell asleep before the end but didn't miss much!

Sunday morning came and we went to breakfast. After that we went to Cambridge city centre which I hadn't been to since I'd gone to my uni interview in 2001. It was raining so we didn't take a punt, but we did go all around the city centre, walking about 10 miles over the day! We had fun despite the rain, and I got to show L the college I'd got a place at but declined. We went into a museum which had genuine relics from ancient Greece, Rome and Egypt, including a genuine mummy with body inside! When we got back to the hotel we swam again (well it was free to use so we had to get our money's worth!) then went to dinner. Dinner was awful; we each had £20 to spend on the meal as part of the room package, but it was all overpriced and not great stuff. The bread was stale, soup luke warm, etc etc. I struggle eating out, and it was pretty hard going. Despite not eating much we went over our limit so had to pay the extra. Not a good meal and a bit of a disappointment, but we just thought that if we ever went to a Holiday Inn again we'll eat out!

On Monday we had breakfast then came back to Notts. There we had the usual dross of getting groceries in and unpacking.

It's a shame it's all over but we were glad we went. My parents had paid for the first night there as part of a sorry-you're-not-getting-married present, and dog-sat for us, which I am very grateful for. We hadn't been away somewhere that wasn't a set of parents for well over a couple of years.

I feel better in myself for getting away. I'd felt quite depressed last week and I still don't feel great, but I'm able to cope with it a little better now. I hate being on the Pill, but it's the best thing for my bone and endometrial health so I'll have to cope. I feel so much fatter on it, bigger boobs, butt and thighs. It makes me want to starve again but I know I have to try and stay strong. I can't put L through that again. Or myself. And living is great, just so hard having to put food in my mouth, chew, swallow, keep it down and not exercise too much. Still, if nothing else I'm a tough cookie.

Not again!

I don't believe the shitty luck I have sometimes. This morning another of my teeth broke. I had this fiasco in February and it meant I had to go and stay down south with my parents for the week, as my dentist is down there. This time it was one of the ones on the other side at the back. I look after my teeth so well, but being sick so much last winter when I was really ill has obviously weakened them big time. Also my bones are osteopenic, so maybe that makes my teeth osteopenic too.

So yeah, I'm bummed. I don't want to stay with my parents right now. I'm having major issues with them regarding the way they treated me in the past regarding the abuse, and I'm not yet ready to confront them with stuff. But it's hard to act "normal". But my dentist is down there, and I've been seeing him since I've had teeth, and he knows the effect my eating disorder has had on my teeth. Bleh.

Ever have one of those days? I'm having 2 of them!

Last night L got home late, grunted in my direction and went straight to bed. So that was sucky. I needed a bit of tlc. This morning my therapist cancelled my appointment so not only did I miss having someone to whinge at, I'd also got up and ready to go so didn't get a much-needed sleep-in!

It's not been the best week really, and I'm struggling to keep a sunny disposition. I was hurt badly at the start of the week, then felt a bit neglected by L the rest of the week; I guess I have a right to feel low. But I'm usually so upbeat and there for everyone else...I don't like feeling so depressed again.

Oh well. Tomorrow's a new day right? I will be glad when this Saturday is over. I know we're going away but it hurts so much knowing it was meant to be our wedding day. Had I not fallen and injured my head so badly it would've been. I know next May is only a year away, but it seems so, so far right now.

I'm just looking forwards to my riding lesson tomorrow. Mizz always makes me feel better, even when she's being naughty, and it'll be a landmark; the first lesson in 3 years. It's a sign things are getting back to normal. Fingers crossed I ride ok!

Bleurghhhhhh

I'm sooooooooooooo tired, but I'm also bored coz L is on call so won't be home til late and I'm too tired to do anything to entertain myself!
That's better, needed a good whinge!

Never enough hours in the day!

I can't believe its Wednesday already. Where has the past week gone?!!

L and I spent last weekend at his dad's house in Oxfordshire. I love that part of the country, it's so rural and, well, planty (?!!) Unfortunately we were told my dog couldn't come as they'd had new carpets laid, so we dropped her off at L's mum's house first. Fortunately they live about 30 minutes apart, so it wasn't too much of a trek. I was somewhat pissed off at that. My dog is very well behaved and could easily have stayed in the kitchen (the house is certainly large enough!), and I hate not including her. But at least mother-in-law looked after her well. I felt a bit tense there so did something I rarely do, and drank some bubbly when it was offered. Apparently I'm very good company when merry so that's just as well!

We'd intended to go to his dad's via the stables so I could ride, but my blood pressure was very low, and I felt quite faint, so being round a horse wasn't the most sensible thing. Thus the stables were bypassed. On Sunday I felt a bit too delicate to get on a horse! Also, I've been getting very bad headaches most days these past few weeks so I felt pretty rubbish with that as well.

On Monday I needed to get up to the yard, so I caught the bus and rode my horse out. She'd had a few days off work so it was good to get her back into it. She was very nappy, wanted to see if she could get away with refused to hack out. This time I managed to keep her going, and I won the battle of wills! I took her further along the walk than I had last time, so felt a return of the old confidence. Yesterday I was at the yard again, this time lunging her over trotting poles and a small jump. It's physically tiring, demanding work, but I'm relishing the challenges it brings me.

Last night I was absolutely pooped, so our fridge-freezer dying wasn't the best thing that could've happened! Fortunately - and I don't know how it worked but it did - L gave it a good kick and it started working again!! It's on its last legs though so will need replacing, but at least our food is safe right now!

Today I went swimming with my friend and neighbour who is pregnant. That was fun. It was fairly relaxed swimming, which is probably what I needed as I'm very tired, and it was great to be out socialising again. She even bought me a little rose plant as she said she's so happy I'm getting well and is really enjoying my renewed friendship. Awww! That was so touching!

This afternoon I think I'm going to relax a bit. I've got therapy and riding tomorrow and a riding lesson - the first in 3 years! - on Friday. Then this weekend we're in Cambridge for a couple of nights over what would have been our wedding weekend. Yes, I think some relaxing is just what the doctor ordered!

Hope you are all well, and Happy Birthday to Dagny.

Whirlwind!

I am a whirlwind today!
I saw my therapist this morning and wanted to go to the stables this afternoon, but there have been some house jobs that have needed doing for aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages, so I thought I'd get on with those while I was feeling proactive!
So this afternoon I've washed the kitchen floor, put a load of laundry through the washing mashing, bleached and scrubbed the sink and surround, washed the work tops, washed the fronts of the kitchen cupboards and washed up stuff that can't go through the dishwasher. Then I walked the dog, came back and vacuumed the downstairs. After that I washed the bathroom which was no mean feat! Oh yeah and I emptied all the bins in the house too.
Now I'm knackered! I want a bath but am reluctant to dirty my sparkling clean bath!!!

I just want L to come home from work now so I can relax with him a bit. He needs cheering up. He always needs cheering up!

Then Heroes is on tonight. Huzzah!

Anyone think I'm trying no to think about something by keeping myself busy?!!!

Enigma

How can you begin to explain what you don't yourself understand?
Then, if you could explain it, there's every possibility you'll be met with skepticism.
Is it best to keep it to yourself? Or is it best to share something that would benefit others?
But how should you explain it?
How would you describe to a life-long blind person what the colour red looks like, or the aroma of freshly-baked bread to someone with no sense of smell?

I feel like I have been reawakened by a friend of mine. And that friendship is unlikely in itself, and humbling on my part. I feel empowered as it were, yet awed. Yet I am just me, just someone struggling to survive.

Sunny sunny sunny!

I love the sun! Last summer the UK was hit by days of torrential rain and nationwide floods, so we didn't see much sun after May. The winter seemed to come early, though to be honest I started going into hospital non-stop from September until January, so I barely saw what the weather was doing anyway! Up until a week or so ago it was chilly with winds and rain. But it's been a week of glorious sunshine, and today it's still sunny! I'm not a sun-worshipper sort of person but I am outside a lot when I'm not too ill, and I love getting the light in my eyes and some good old Vitamin D! I pray that it'll still be nice in July when L and I go to Cornwall for a week, as last July we had to cancel our break due to the weather. Lucky that L's mum owns the cottage in Cornwall, so the only thing we have to arrange is L's time off (which is a nightmare!). We both really need a holiday, especially since our Jamaican honeymoon has been postponed with the wedding. Had things worked out, I'd be getting married in 13 days from now, and going to Jamaica in 15. Wish it'd worked out.

Anyhooo, it's a beeeee-yoooo-tiful day and my throat feels a bit better so I may try to get to the stables this afternoon. It would probably be more wise to spend another day resting to fully get over it, but I can feel the horsey pull......!! I'm a bit scared of the journey as it's 2 buses and I've not done that since last year. I think I'm strong enough. I must be strong enough!

Oooh my new passport has just arrived! Now I can travel!!!!

Still ill

It's the 5th day of my throat infection and I'm beginning to feel really depressed now. All week I've done the right stuff; eat a bit, drink plenty of fluids, take vitamin c and echinacea, gargle and rest. But I still feel dreadful.

L has been on call the past 2 days, not getting home until 10pm, so I've been having to fend for myself. The glands in my neck and stomach are massively swollen and I have a mild fever, but as it's most likely a virus I wouldn't get antibiotics for it. I wanted to bus it up to the stables yesterday and today, but I'm still too ill to do so. I want someone to look after me a bit, give me a bit of tlc, but L is tired when he gets home and can't be bothered. Instead it's me having to look after him, iron him a fresh shirt, when all I want is to be given a bit of love.

I really needed some horsey therapy as well. I feel like a beached whale, don't want to eat. It all sucks.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

I have saddle sores on my butt and my body aches like crazy, but it's great! It's pain, but it's good pain. It's not failing kidneys pain or stressed heart pain or any of that sort of thing. It's pain from doing something I love.

I rode Mizz out Saturday and Sunday on this 40 min (in horsey walk) route which takes you through trees and along the banks of the river Trent. Mizz has loved it, and I've been in my element! Silly beam all over my face! L walks out with us which has been good exercise for him, but also good for my confidence as I'm still physically quite weak. On the Saturday I was using both hands on the reins, but yesterday I was back to my old confidence, using one hand to hold the reins and the other on my leg. I was amazed at how I've just settled straight back into it. And Charisma has been a real angel. I am so blessed to have her.

So this afternoon hopefully it'll be another ride out. I've told my body if it gives me a ride today I'll let it recover and rest tomorrow! She gets her front shoes tomorrow. Then I'm planning on a lesson hack on Wednesday. Need to get the bus there on Wednesday though, so must rest rest rest tomorrow.

I'll get L to take some more pictures and post them later. I felt really fat last night and still stressy about it this morning, so I'm trying to submerge myself in my horse and let that cary me through.

Please let it be good weather this weekend...

After 15 or so months of not riding, I've decided to ignore the doctors and get back in the saddle tomorrow!
Ok so it's a big risk to my health, but I need to be at one with my horse again. I miss it, and she does too. I need to feel alive again, and I will riding her.
For the first 6 or so weeks I'll need to walk her only, and for about 20 minutes at a time to start off. Then I can introduce trot after a bit and finally canter. She needs to go slowly at first to.
But so much rests on this weekend. If I cope with it I'll get the girl at the stables to ride her a few times in the week too. As I get stronger I'll be able to bus to the yard and have lessons. But there's no point starting her off if I have to stop again. Waste of time and money.
So fingers crossed I cope with it all, and pray for good weather! Don't think she'd appreciate starting over in the rain!
I'm ridiculously excited about it all though! I feel like a child on Christmas Eve!

Oh this is just lovely....

Keyboards 'dirtier than a toilet'

Some computer keyboards harbour more harmful bacteria than a toilet seat, research has suggested.

Consumer group Which? said tests at its London offices found equipment carrying bugs that could cause food poisoning.

Out of 33 keyboards swabbed, four were regarded as a potential health hazard and one harboured five times more germs than one of the office's toilet seats.

Microbiologist Dr Peter Wilson said a keyboard was often "a reflection of what is in your nose and in your gut".

During the Which? tests in January this year, a microbiologist deemed one of the office's keyboards to be so dirty he ordered it to be removed, quarantined and cleaned.

It had 150 times the recommended limit for bacteria - five times as filthy as a lavatory seat tested at the same time, the research found.

The equipment was swabbed for bugs, such as those that can cause food poisoning like E.coli and staphylococcus aureus.

Dr Wilson, a consultant microbiologist at University College London Hospital, told BBC Radio 5 Live sharing a keyboard could be passing on illnesses among office workers.

"If you look at what grows on computer keyboards, and hospitals are worse, believe it or not, it's more or less a reflection of what's in your nose and in your gut," he said.

"Should somebody have a cold in your office, or even have gastroenteritis, you're very likely to pick it up from a keyboard."

Which? said one of the causes of dirty keyboards was users eating lunch at their desk, with crumbs encouraging the growth of bacteria.

Poor personal hygiene, such as not washing hands after going to the toilet, could also be to blame, it said.

Cleaning techniques

Which? computing editor Sarah Kidner advised users to give their computer "a spring clean".

"It's quite simple to do and could prevent your computer from becoming a health hazard," she said.

She said dust and food crumbs should be shaken out of keyboards and they should be wiped with a soft, lightly dampened, lint-free cloth. They should also be disinfected with alcohol wipes.

Research by the University of Arizona last year found the average office desktop harboured 400 times more bacteria than the average office toilet seat.

They also found that, compared to men, on average women have three to four times the amount of germs in, on and around their work area.



Anyone for a snack?!!

Several months in

When I tried recovery last year I counted the days. After 10 days of eating something we celebrated. Then 20, 50, 100. 100 days was amazing. I'd managed not to starve for 100 days. After 100 days I started counting weeks, then months. After about 6 months I stopped. Because I was relapsing. So I counted hours of exercise, calories eaten, pounds lost.

This year I didn't bother counting. The whole recovery thing has been very half-hearted. In fact I don't even think of it as "recovery". More "loosening the grip anorexia has on me". I don't know what I weigh now. I try not to count lengths when I swim. I try not to exercise too much. Sometimes I manage, sometimes I don't.

On first impressions you might think I was more likely to succeed last year. I mean, I was driven, I appeared to be doing the right things. But I was doing it to get the doctors who were going to section me off my back and keep L and my parents happy. This year is different. I'm doing it more for me. After the winter I had, in and out of hospital on a weekly basis, ending up on a chest drain on one admission and injuring my head so badly after I collapsed onto it that I had a stroke....I'm terrified to go back there. So I eat, not because I want to, but because I know that I should've died so many times but I didn't. Maybe there's a reason for my survival. And while I never wallow in the past, by letting anorexia kill me is letting my abuser and rapists win. I don't want to be a victim of my past.

But it is a full-time job trying to eat. And now my body is changing. I no longer look emaciated. The bones are still there and everything, but I have a little bit of muscle now, and I'm getting a bit of boob. I swell up and down with fluid but that's because my kidneys suck. It's really hard coming to terms with the loss of my anorexic physique. It's like grieving for a loved one. I guess if you've never been there it's really hard to understand that. But I can't go back to being that ill again. For one, I won't survive another relapse. But also, would my relationship survive another relapse? L's stood by me through so much already but the worry crippled him last year. On 24th May, in 22 days time, we were going to get married. After my head injury he postponed it to May 2009. I don't want to have to do that another time. We've waited to marry long enough! Then there's riding, babies, a career. I want it all. I just need to be strong enough to not starve.

Opinions welcomed!

These are 2 bracelets which I have made; the top one is tigers eye and gold plate, and the bottom is fluorite and silver plate.
I'm thinking of seling my stuff (God knows I need the money!!).
Could people tell me first what they think of them, and second how much they'd be prepared to pay if they bought each one in a shop.

As a guide, parts for each one cost about £10, and it took around 3 hours to make each one.

It lives again!

After a hairy 24 hours my PC is back up and running. I had to format it as it was chugging, but it misbehaved and nearly learned how to fly - out of the window!
But it lives to see another day, thank God!

I'll write properly tomorrow, and check out how other people are doing.

Questions questions!

Stolen from Dagny over at Who is John Galt.
This is kinda cool!


1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? It's under my right armpit, from a chest drain after a pneumothorax last October

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? A beautiful horse print called Fierce Grace by Tony Stromberg

3. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? 3am on a Friday under a full moon

4. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? I want to get thinner :$

5. WHAT DO YOU MISS? Riding my horse. I haven't ridden for best part of a year as I've been so ill.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? My horse, or maybe my camera....

7. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5'7" (I've shrunk because of osteopenia)

8. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DAY? Not usually, unless I look in the mirror

9. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR? Being trapped in a fire

10. WHAT KIND OF HAIR COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Dark in colour, shortish in length (but not crew cut)

11. WHAT ABOUT EYE COLOR? Dark eyes are dreamy!

12. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? Diet coke. Can't stand coffee and energy drink are only ok if they're sugar free

13. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? Cheese and tomato with pepperoni. Mmmmmmmmmmmm!!

14. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Crispy grilled bacon

15. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME? Purple

16. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH? No, but pirhanas are tasty ;)

17. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU EVER RECEIVED? Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....

18. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH? John Barrowman. Shame he's gay!

19. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? I love Roots stuff from Canada

20. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU WANT? A Range Rover...with an Ifor Williams horse trailer attached!

21. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Not deliberately, but you don't choose who you fall in love with...

22. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? I'm British! I've been to the USA though, along with France, Greece and Canada for 30mins (plane refuelling!)

23. YOUR WEAKNESSES? Bacon - must be very well cooked though!

24. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? Hillary Clinton - it was on a Politics trip to Washington and I went to her senate office just to prove to my lecturer that I could do it!

25. FIRST JOB? Babysitting

26. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Hehee yep

27. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOUL MATE? Not everyone, but some people seem to

28. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT? Talking to my mother-in-law-to-be on the phone

29. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? I've had a pre-malignant removed under local anaesthetic and several endoscopies, but nothing requiring general anaesthetic

30. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? My eyes

31. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? It's not for a while!

32. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? Ideally 2 or 3

33. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Jennifer Hart - the wife in the 70s series Hart to Hart (played by Stephanie Powers)

34. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Smoking

35. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU MISS ABOUT GRADE SCHOOL? Nada

36. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? Kerastase

37. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It's ok, probably a good thing I don't work as a doctor now as it's too neat!

38. ANY BAD HABITS? I'm a perfectionist and am always writing lists!

39. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON? In the past but not for a long time

40. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I hate myself, so no

41. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS? Does it ever work?

42. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? I starve or exercise like a demon possessed

43. WHAT’S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE? To be a mum

44. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Sylvanian Families

45. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? 52 - I just counted!

46. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID? No. I liked Zippy, Oscar the Grouch, Elmo and the Fraggles!

47. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE? Neither!

48. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES? Yes

49. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM? Yes and no..my old bedroom which has my PC in is now my study, but it still has a bed in it which I occasionally sleep in.

50. PLANS FOR TONIGHT? Sex?!!

51. WHAT’S THE FASTEST YOU’VE EVER GONE IN A CAR? 120mph in a rapid response ambulance car up the hard drive on a motorway, against the flow of traffic! The paramedic was showing off his new car!

52. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? Bruce Springsteen

53. LAST THING YOU DRANK? Diet coke

54. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? I'm a Brit! But if Dubya Bush is a good example of Republicans I'd have to say Democrat!

55. DO YOU HAVE A LOW SELF ESTEEM OR A HIGH SELF ESTEEM? Low - or non-existant

56. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

God damn the NHS

I'm so unbelievably pissed off with our health service right now. I know it's great in that you get free health care (even if you do indirectly pay for it via tax) but it's sucked for a while and sucks even harder right now.

I managed to stagger to my GP yesterday. The whole session wasn't great; we usually have a great rapport and seem to put the world (or at least my world!) to rights in a 20 minute session, but yesterday he was off kilter entirely. He's had his own issues for a few months, but I thought after 8 weeks of doctor avoidance he may be back on form. Apparently not. My GP is a fantastic doctor, but whenever I'm trying the whole recovery thing he has a tendency to become deluded into thinking everything's going great, I'm getting stronger, eating well, etc, and doesn't listen to me when I try to tell him how it really is. He was going on about how it's great that I've not been in hospital since I was in high dependency unit at the end of January. I was trying to say it's because being in HDU scared the shit out of me so I've either avoiding him when I've been really ill since then, or just been too ill to get to my appointment so cancelled it and rebooked. Anyway, the whole time there was a waste of time, and given how awful I felt to get there and back, I'd have been better off in bed. I spent most of the time in tears and generally feeling frustrated. But he did take my bloods.

So yesterday afternoon I began the familiar pattern of waiting for my blood results and wondering if I'd end up in hospital. I crawled into bed once I got back from the surgery and didn't get back up again. As evening drew on my health deteriorated; my heart rate went haywire and I got those awful palpitations and chest pains that tell me my potassium is deadly low and I need a drip and heart monitor pronto. L spent most of the night checking on me to see if I was still alive. In the morning he was prepared to stay home from work to get me to hospital but I sent him in, telling him he could always come home once we knew my results. I slept most of the morning (sleeping through the postman so now have to rearrange to get Dagny's package delivered on Friday!) and still hadn't heard from my GP at lunch so called up. This was weird in itself; even when my results are good for me they're pretty bad for the average person so I always hear by the following morning, if not the night before.

My GP told me they were horrendous. My potassium is 2.1, my urea is 19 and my eGFR (basic renal function) is 29 which is way down, and below where they should think about dialysis. All the other results were equally as bad. The outcome? F*ck all. No hospital admission, no additional treatment, nothing. Don't get me wrong, I abhor that hospital, but I'm not so stupid that I would take a chance on my life, and that is just gambling with my life.

When I texted L to tell him the results he was furious. I feel let down, scared, and cheated, because I've tried to do the right things but my body isn't playing ball. I'm trying to eat, I've cut down my laxatives, I take my meds, I swim which helps my heart and the elimination of renal toxins. I was so ill last night and am not so good today, but my GP wasn't even going to tell me what my results were! To me this just shows how complacent they've all become. They've given up trying to help, given up making an effort. I'm obviously not worth saving. And coupled with the potential loss of therapy, it makes me think why the hell am I even bothering? All the effort, all the heartache, all the crap of trying to overcome a life-long eating disorder, and for what? SO I will just die anyway because the fricking NHS don't give a shit.

When you feel worthless anyway, this does nothing to challenge that feeling. I feel so alone right now.

Busy busy busy

It's been a while since I last posted on here. Past few days seem to have flown by, despite the fact that not much seems to have been achieved.

Thursday.
Thursday night was L's last night on call, and he surprised me by getting a mention on national radio saying he loves me. That made me feel so warm and fuzzy. A far cry from a few weeks back when things didn't look so great between us. It's funny, because the free things in life are always the things that mean most to me. While some women may be wooed by a diamond or pair of shoes, just having L tell the world he loves me meant more than any material stuff would. That doesn't mean a diamond or a pair of shoes wouldn't be welcomed, I hasten to add! So I went to sleep that night feeling loved. Best feeling in the world.

Friday.
This was always going to be a great day as it was the first evening in the week whereby L didn't have to go to work in the evening! I didn't do much during the day, just made sure the house was nice and tidy so we could have fun when he woke up and not think about housework. Also I was on a buzz from doiet pills so was firing on all 4 cylinders. During the evening we watched Harry Potter 5 on dvd which I'd just bought, and had a nice snuggly time.

Saturday.
Not such a great day. L and I swam early afternoon which is always great. I was beginning to feel pretty rubbish that day but wasn't so bad that I couldn't mind over matter it and get some lengths swum. I think I'm getting fitter which is great. Can now do 30m underwater, and I've sped up in general. Unfortunately my body isn't as forgiving when it comes to getting out of the water, but while I'm in it's great. I've always felt safe in water, and am at peace. I really miss my competitive swimming days; it was always so effortless but I never took it for granted...every gold medal was precious. I really miss the thrill I got from competing, and while I still have a great style, I lack the stamina. I often wonder what would've happened had I chosen the other path when I was given a choice. At the time being an academic, working as a doctor was more important than being an Olympian. What if I'd stuck with swimming? Would I still've gotten M.E.? I still would've had the abuse, but wouldn't have come to uni so wouldn't have been raped. Then I wouldn't have anorexia so badly now. But conversely I wouldn't have met L or my beloved horse. Who knows?
Anyway, after swimming we had intended to go to the stables but it was like a monsoon outside and I'm not supposed to get drenched in the rain as it makes my health worse so we planned to go the next day. Then L's friend invited himself up for the night. I wasn't keen but S has had some stresses recently, and I wanted L to be happpy so I agreed. I wasn't really in the mood; been particularly depressed and could've done with L's individual attention, but a friend in need and all that. It wasn't the best evening, but the guys had fun.

Sunday.
L had eaten too much curry the night before so felt rubbish most of the morning, so the day went fairly slowly. We did manage to get a quick swim in before S went home mid-afternoon. I was glad when he went. I feel like a clingy toddler....just want to cling to him and not be let go. Maybe I'm just insecure with life. The possibility of losing my therapy has really rocked me. Every significant person in my life eventually leaves me. I feel so vulnerable and frightened at the moment, which is probably why I want to cling to L as I do at the moment. Good job he's a tactile person so loves the physical contact!

Monday.
L's last day off after nights. I was meant to see my therapist during the afternoon but I'd come out with a bad ear/throat/chest infection the night before and was feeling terrible, so had to cancel appointment. I spent most of the day lying down doing nothing, and during the afternoon I watched a dvd with L. His mum and her husband needed somewhere to stay overnight so crashed with us during the evening. It's not that I mind her so much, she's had her moments but is mostly ok, but it's her husband I object to. She was on business up here so obviously needed to be here overnight, but he won't let her go away overnight without him so always comes up later by train. If he was a nice person it wouldn't be so bad, but he's not and I feel very uncomfortable around him.
One good thing that came out of her being here though is that I got paid for making her a chain! She had an old locket that she wanted a chain for, and had commissioned me to make something in keeping with the antiquity of the locket. After much thought I made something with Swarovski crystals and stirling silver chain, but was worried she wouldn't like it. Thankfully she loved it! When it can to her paying I got L to help; I'm rubbish at valuing my own work, so would've asked for £10, even though that wouldn't have covered the crystals, let alone the rest of it and labour. L suggested £20 but she insisted on £30! So many people have suggested I sell my stuff on eBay, so maybe I'll have to think about it seriously because God knows I need the money!

Today.
I finally got to my GP today after having to cancel several times in recent weeks due to feeling too rubbish to get there. I felt pretty terrible this morning, and had to sit down several times en route and was dead on my feet when I arrived, but I got there. I've had my bloods taken, so am just waiting to hear if my bloods are good enough for me to stay out of hospital. My potassium's usually about 2.5mmol/L (normal = 3.5-5.5mmol/L), but I'm only admitted if it's 2.1 or less. Don't get me wrong, 2.5 is a fatal level but my body has adapted to it so my GP only sends me in at 2.1 otherwise I'd never get out of hospital! The thought of an IV with potassium in is quite nice right now as I feel dreadful, but I really really hate hospital admissions. There's a lot of anorexic bashing that goes on and I can't handle the stress right now. My heart isn't doing so well either (due to low potassium). If it gets worse Iill have to go in, but if I can avoid it I'll stay out.


So yeah, my last few days in a nutshell. What a dull life I lead!

Dagny I'm thinking of you today.xxx

The devil has 8 legs...

They run 10 mph, jump three feet, and are a nocturnal spider, so only come out at night unless they are in shade. When they bite you, you are injected with Novocain so you go numb instantly. You don't even know you are bitten when you are sleeping, so you wake up with part of your leg or arm missing because it has been gnawing on it all night long.
If you are walking around and you bump something that is casting a shadow over it, and the sun makes contact with it, you better run. It will instantly run for your shadow, and scream the whole time it is chasing you.

PS: The one on the bottom is eating the one on the top. These are Spiders found daily in Iraq by troops. Imagine waking up and seeing one of these in your tent!!

A bit depressing

I had my appointment with the ED consultant and my therapist today, and I must say that I had not anticipated the outcome. After much deliberating and ruminating on the consultant's part, she said that she was considering having my treatment terminated as I'm "not making adequate progress". Well excuse me but considering at the end of last year I was barely eating at all and was in and out of hospital on a weekly basis, I think I'm doing f*cking well. Maybe I haven't bulked out and gotten all fat, but I've maintained my low weight and recently laid down a bit of muscle as a result of a bit of swimming and walking more. Ok so I am exercising to reduce my body size, but at least I can do a little bit....last December I couldn't stand for more than 5 seconds at a time because my legs were too weak. Sure my staple diet is salad, fruit and veg, but I do get a bit of lean chicken, fish, eggs etc, and occasionally the evil carbs too. I've done all that with minimal support up here at all. L does his best but has his limits, and I see my GP and therapist less often these days. I feel pretty alone in this. More recently I've had more contact with Dagny, which has been like gold dust and better than 10 therapy sessions in one go.

What pisses me off most is when I think of how damn long it took me to get help in the first place, the help I got was wishy-washy, and now they want to write me off as a lost cause?!!! As Dagny will remember, as I got ill I begged for help because I knew how bad it could get (never thought it could get this bad though), but I wasn't thin enough. By the time I was thin enough I was so ill that 50 minutes of therapy every 2 weeks just didn't cut it. I've got very very ill, a little better, worse again and marginally better, but never well, never ok. And now they are thinking about terminating treatment. Which would leave me with nobody supporting me here.

I wanted to hack my pain into my arms. I haven't done that for ages, but everything hurt and I needed to get it out. Restricting my food helped but doesn't numb the pain quickly enough. And the razor blades were beckoning. But I somehow resisted, and as my resolve began to wane after L had gone to work tonight, Dagny phoned me. She gave me the strength to fight another day, and my arms remain intact. Thank you my friend.

I don't want to go to bed tonight even though it is getting very late. The consultant feels a need to constantly rake over the past, but I can't see how thinking about being abused and raped is going to be particularly useful. I want help in moving forwards, so I can regain my health and get my career started. I want to be a mum. My problems don't lay in the past; rather they lay in breaking out of the prison that anorexia keeps me in.

My ambition right now is to figure out how to get to Canada to stay with Dagny. I need a break, and I want to be with my sweet friend who understands me and loves me in spite of it.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Yep, that's a pretty good reflection of how I am right now!
I'm soooooooooooooooo tired at the moment, and am a little bored today. L is on nights this week so he's out all night, gets back at 10am-ish and goes straight to bed to sleep. Then up in the evening and so the cycle continues. I feel sorry for him having to work all night; he doesn't do well on not much sleep and it is very anti-social for him, but he's getting on with it like a real trooper. He woke up a little earlier so I fixed him some food and drink and sent him back to bed until I wake him up with his dinner tonight. It's frustrating because I want to sit and chat with him, but he needs his sleep so I'm keeping away so not to disturb him. Also I'm feeling particularly unwell today, and could do with a little tlc myself, but his needs must come first as he has the night to work.

I had a great surprise last night when Dagny phoned me as I was going to bed! It was GREAT to hear her voice and share a giggle. It's so good to have a friend who really gets me and my nutty ways!

All I've done today is sit in bed reading for the most part of it. I feel really lousy, my body isn't at all happy so I'm actually giving in to it for once and letting it rest. Tomorrow will be tough as I have a meeting with the ED consultant and my therapist during the afternoon. Last time I had a meeting like that so much crap from the past was raked over and it took me a while to get myself back on track afterwards. They open you up, leave you raw, and then that's it, appointment over and you're expected to go back to life. Except it's way easier to open someone up than it is to close them down afterwards. Not looking forwards to that meeting. Worst of all is that I won't have L there in the evening to give me some support, as he'll be at work. Bleurghhh.

I often worry that my blogs are boring and a load of drivel. Other people seem to have so much to write about, what with ivf, babies, etc....I feel like my problems are insignificant, like I don't fit in. Some people would say that infertility isn't a choice whereas anorexia is, but that's so not true. I would never choose to have anorexia. I wish it'd go away. I wish all the damage my body has sustained from years of starving would go away, that I could eat stuff without torturing myself for hours afterwards, that I could face looking in the mirror. But it's been part of me for so long, it kept me going throughout all the abuse, I don't know how to live without it.

R.I.P. Poppy

So yesterday the time came and Poppy was put to sleep at 10.30am. Apparently it was very peaceful and she had my parents holding her at the end. She will be cremated and her ashes buried in the garden.

I have so many mixed feelings about the whole thing though. Obviously I'm very sad, but I'm also pissed off. Poppy shouldn't have been allowed to get so bad before she was taken. And I wanted to be there as she died; she was MY dog first. But no, I have no right to be upset, Mum has the monopoly on grief apparently. Or so she seems to think. I told Mum that I want to be there when the ashes are buried and she's not even happy to let me do that. I don't want them buried; I want her taken to the park where she loved to run before she got too ill to do so. I want her set free to the wind, not buried at the bottom of the garden. I was always going to take Shelley and Poppy back after my first year at uni. It was agreed before I started uni; the only reason why I was going to leave them that first year was because you can't have animals in halls of residence. But after that time my mum didn't want to let me take them so I ended up getting Kiwi. And I'm so pissed at the whole thing because now I'm being excluded from everything like I don't matter. Like I've always been excluded in the past.

I don't want to kick up a big fuss though as it doesn't feel respectful to Poppy's memory. But still, I'm pretty hurt by it all.

L was really sweet to me yesterday. I didn't really want to do anything all day. Felt really low and apathetic. Sometimes my depression really kicks in and I need to be bullied into doing stuff, but when I'm doing it I'm glad I bothered. I went to the stables to see my horse which was nice. I didn't feel very well at all so didn't do much with her, but being with her was therapeutic. L was very attentive and caring which I really, REALLY needed, and I'm very grateful to him for this.

This morning we went swimming. I'm trying to control the urge to over-exercise, while putting in a few lengths at the same time and having a laugh by diving for the locker key and stuff. My muscles are toning up a bit which is great. I'm trying to substitute looking emaciated for being very lean but with toned muscles. Being emaciated is so much safer; I take up less space, am more invisible, etc. But I won't survive it much longer and I know it's not the way to live a life. And I want to start living again, not just existing day by day, so I need to keep trying to eat. The average person would never believe how much willpower it takes to put food into your mouth, chew and swallow it. The effort is exhausting, but is the only way I'll get to have a career and one day be a mum.

Sunny days

Well that's not technically true, as the British version of the monsoon is currently going on outside, but I feel quite sunny!

I've been lying low the past few days. I've been quite tired, and the depression's been roaring it's ugly head a bit. But I had a really good chat with Dagny yesterday which helped a whole load, and L was quite attentive last night, and it's amazing how that can really help.

This morning I went swimming with him (he's off today as he's on nights next week) and was pleased to find I'm a bit fitter. My body's slowly getting stronger...when I think of how I couldn't walk unaided in December it makes me shudder. People don't realise anorexia can do that to you. It's tough because I look at my slightly heavier body, and while I can see that it's a bit bigger with muscle and fluid retention, not fat, it's still more body. I still feel like I take up too much space. But as Dagny would say, I deserve to take up space. Just really hard believing that sometimes.

I had a letter yesterday from the consultant who was in charge of the nutrition unit where I went for tests a fewe weeks back. They found abnormalities which is good as maybe them fixing them will make me feel better. But it's bad because they're not sure what to do about them, so I have to go in for another few days when a bed's available for more tests and drips and shit. Once was enough. Seriously. I don't want to go in. It's looking like my problem is secondary hyperaldosteronism, secondary to either heart or kidney failure (which we already know I have). I feel like going in for further tests is pointless; I don't think the problem will be fixable, and it's a hell of a lot of stress and a waste of their time and resources. And maybe I'm scared too.

But hey, I'm planning to visit Dagny next summer so I need to be strong for that. I can't wait....!

A song for Dagny

Here are the lyrics to a song that always makes me think of you.

Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd)

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Thank you for always being there. xxx

Poppy

This is Poppy. She's a 15 year old Hungarian Kuvatz I rescued from Battersea Dogs Home in January 2000. I took her because no one else wanted her; she'd been badly abused and dumped on the street in below freezing temperatures. She didn't know how to play, or how to eat dog food - any food she'd had before had been flung at her in scraps, or so the vet thought. For months I had to feed her by putting soft food in her mouth and making her swallow. The irony of it; my dog was as anorexic as me.

I left her, along with Shelley, in the care of my parents when I moved to Nottingham for uni. She was well cared for, though never seemed happy. It was like, despite having endless love with us, she expected abuse like she'd had before. Poppy was never any trouble. On a trip to the park she was content to trot along smelling the flowers; she didn't understand how to play with a stick or ball like Shelley.

These past few years Poppy's health has declined. Her arthiritic hips are now so painful she cannot go up and down stairs, and she cannot sit. Lying down takes ages, and she cries in pain as she does so. She doesn't like walks anymore, and looks so unhappy. She's incontinent, and her blindness and deafness make her very insecure and clingy. I've been trying to get my parents to put her to sleep to release her of her suffering for a few weeks now. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to lose her, but I see the look in her eyes and I know that suffering so well. Last winter, if I'd been an animal, I'd probably have been put down myself. I certainly begged for it to stop the pain.

So this Saturday she'll have a nice chickeny breakfast which she loves, then she'll go on her last car trip to the vet. The vet agrees its time now. Then she'll be set free. I wish I was going where she's going.

Bums and tums

Well I survived my first night taking Movical. I've been taking large doses of laxatives every night for years now, and my body is totally dependent on them. Technically it wasn't my fault I started taking them; my GP prescribed senna a few years back to try and sort out my life-long lazy bowel (colon neuropathy or something) and my bowels became dependent on them. Over time you build up tolerance so need more and more of the pills to get the same, erm, effect. I will state here that while I may have anorexia badly, laxatives have never been a part of purging behaviour. A lot of anorexics take them thinking they'll lose weight. That doesn't work; the food is digested before it reaches the colon. All laxatives do is aid expulsion from the body and cause fluid loss.

Anyway, I have been trying to get off senna for ages, but can't manage to reduce the number of pills I take any further. So I consulted a gastro doctor who recommended Movical. You have 2 sachets a day, and it has a bulking effect that aids expulsion, without the same stimulant effect of senna. So yesterday I took my first 2 sachets and still took my laxatives as instructed. I was scared that the 2 together would make me really ill - the effect of the senna often makes me quite weak and sick - but although things were pretty hairy, I somehow got through the night. Tonight I'll reduce my senna by 1 tablet, and then keep going like that for a few weeks when I'll reduce them again. It's going to be a long time, but hopefully in the end I'll just be on Movical and not senna, which will be better for my bowel in the long term. If I don't do something soonish I'll probably end up with a colostomy bag a few years down the line. I hope to god this works.

I've been feeling really rubbish in general these past couple of weeks. Apart from feeling really ill and sicky, I'm just not coping too well with eating a bit. I've cut back my intake a fair bit recently, and upped my activity. I feel so fat, so disgusting, so ugly. L swears blind I've not gained weight but I look at myself and see a hippo looking back. I knew trying to eat and get stronger wouldn't be easy, but does it have to be so hard? I don't want to regress 2 months to when I spent every other week in hospital on heart monitors and IVs. But I'm so tired. Tired of feeling fat, feeling inferior, having physical problems, being terrified if I eat more lettuce with my salad, let alone a pizza which I crave but could never have. I want to be "normal", I want it all to go away. I don't want to throw up every night, or get tired very quickly, or wake up with blue lips and tongue. I used to be a someone, but now I'm nothing. I just don't want to be me.

Where in the world....

...is Rotherham?!!!! When I visit anyone's blog, it says I'm from Rotherham. Where the hell is that?!!!!!

Fragility of life

My philosophy for the past couple of years has been to live every day like it's your last. Never go to bed on an argument or leave things unsaid. Tell L and my parents every day that I love them. Maybe this is stuff that everyone should do, but for the past few years, it has never been certain if I'll wake up in the morning. I'd go to bed never sure if my body would keep going long enough to see another day.

And so far it has.

But I'm nobody's fool; I'm fully aware of the fact that, while I may not be as at much risk now as, say 3 months ago, I'm still pretty damn ill and the risk will be there for a long period of time to come. Even if I "recover", get to a "healthy" weight, etc etc, I've done so much damage to my body that it could still conk out suddenly. L's dad once dated a recovered anorexic who suddenly died of heart failure, despite being at a healthy weight and physically well for years.

While my own mortality has been a major issue to my family and loved ones, I feel I personally have neglected the fact that others are just as fragile. The first example of this is my dear friend H, who underwent brain surgery to remove a meningioma at New Year. I had no idea she'd been ill; I was in and out of hospital so frequently, and recovering from my own serious head injury that when I hadn't heard much from her on her return from her holiday to Cuba, I just assumed she was caught up in her own life. To know that she went through traumatic surgery, then waited for the results of the biopsy on the tumour before I heard a thing, well, I felt like the crappest friend in existance. I know objectively speaking I couldn't have done a damn thing, being so ill myself, but I love this girl to bits. She means the world to me, and I felt like I should've been well enough to be there for her. All I could do was send flowers and cards. I wanted to be able to visit and watch chick flicks with her, paint her nails, just pamper her in general. When I'm well enough to travel, I want to visit her and spoil her rotten. She's been so incredibly brave. If I hadn't starved so badly I would've been a better friend to her. I just pray that the tumour doesn't recur, but if it does, I'll damn well be there for her this time. I can't let myself get so ill again.

The next reminder of how fragile life is is N's story. She was a colleague of my mum's but I knew her and got on well with her as she was - is - my age. She had breast cancer a couple of years ago and was doing really well. She got married last years and was pregnant with her first child...and then found another lump. The baby was induced at 8ish months, and N had the lump removed, only to be told she had liver and lung mets. She won't live much more than 3 months now. I feel heartbroken for her....she has a new husband and a new baby, and she'll never see her daughter sit up, crawl, walk, talk. She'll miss her first birthday and Christmas. Her husband will lose the mother of his baby. It's so damn sad. And a year ago they must've thought they had the world at their feet.

So yeah. A gloomy blog today but just needed to get those things out.

I need my ED, but I have to let go of it enough to be able to do stuff. Like fly out to see my friend Dagny when she conceives (or to help her pick up the pieces if the ivf fails), see my friend H and be there if she gets sick again, and just be there if and when someone needs me.

How the hell do they work?!!!

Ok so now I'm making more jewellery again, I decided to invest in a little soldering iron to secure wire stuff.
I soldered in high school without a problem.
Can I do it now?! Can I heck! I was practising (good job too as working on a Swarvoski necklace straight away would've been a biiiiiiiiiiiig mistake!) but it just didn't seem to work.
I mean, The iron tip melted the solder, but I couldn't seem to transfer the molten blob onto the wire bead. How hard can it be?! Apparently it's bloody hard!
Dagny, does your man know the secrets of soldering?! I know that's probably sexist but only a man would be nuts enough to play with a soldering iron!

Spring fever?!

For one, I'll say right now that I feel guilty writing this post.

Past couple of weeks I've felt a lot more tired and been sick way more than before. I know vomiting has been an issue since my head injury, and with my renal failure I tend to get sick during the night and sometimes during the day, but it's got a fair bit worse recently. I've been broody for a fair while now, to the point where I often sub-consciously rub my stomach until I suddenly become aware of it and remember there is no baby in it. I've also had more of a libido. L and I both came to the question as to whether I could be pregnant or not. It was crazy - I've not had periods for 5 years, and when we do get jiggy we use protection. But still, all these anomalies pointed to the possibility of pregnancy. Occasionally a low weight anorexic can conceive, even if she's not menstruating.

So last night I took a test. Negative. And it's blatently obvious it would've been, but my god was I gutted. It's crazy; I am no way strong enough to carry a baby. I hate the house/area we live in, so much so that we will move before we start a family as this is not a good place for kiddies. It's not a good time to have babies, what with the wedding next year and all. A baby now would be a bad thing...right? But my god am I upset about it. Which is why I feel guilty; my dear friend Dagny deserves to be a mum before I do. She's tried for so long now. I don't deserve to have a baby unplanned right now. SO why do I keep getting the test stick out of the bin in case a second line has appeared overnight?

Argghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Someone give me a shake!

L did something so sweet after work last night. He took me to the lake on campus and had with him 2 wine glasses and a bottle of Appletise to drink as the sun went down. It was so romantic, so unexpected. I think he's making an effort, and I was very touched.

Horsey shenanigans

I'm never very good at coming up with titles for my blog entries.
I sit and stare at the title box for a bit then decide to write and come back to it later. I wonder if that's how authors name their books...?

It's been a weird few days. After a spate of mild food poisoning yesterday, L is back at work today starting a new rotation. He's on acute medical admissions which means he'll work longer days and more on call hours. I a couple of weeks he does a week of nights which sucks for me as he sleeps all day and works all night. More loneliness for me. But at least the food police will be out of town, so to speak!

So yeah, after a pitiful attempt at eating a little bit of spaghetti bolognese (minus the spaghetti - carb phobia ahoy here!), we both ended up with food poisoning yesterday. Only when you're in kidney failure, it has a serious knock-on effect to hydration levels so I was much more seriously affected thaan L. I went to bed at 10pm, and apart from my usual of getting up to pee and puke, I did not wake until 2.15pm. I slept through my alarm which was an arse because I had therapy this morning. Oh well.... I was not in great shape when I did wake.

Anyway, my big trial today is horsey-related. I woke to a text from one of the people who works on the new yard where I moved my horse a month ago. She wanted to put my horse onto pony nuts. I texted back to say I did not want her feed changed (been there, done that, makes my horse totally fizzed up which is bad if I want to start working her). I also said I needed to speak to her and when would be a good time to catch her on the phone. She said she's busy so text it through.

So I did and she massively over-reacted to something I said and blew me out via text.
Money aside, I do not expect to receive crap like that via text from a little upstart who thinks she's something special. So I called the woman who ran my old yard, and the good news is she's moving next month, so a couple of months to renovate a barn into stables and I'm moving back to her. She was good to me, like a second mum. She cares about me, loves my horse, and looks after us. It'll be further to go on bus but I think that's for the best. Too much money and L may want me to sell her.
If I lose my horse, I lose my fight to live.

If I was trapped in my home...

Created by OnePlusYou

I reckon it'd be longer....I don't eat the same amount as a whole person! And L has a load of beer he could live off.
Hmmm, which cat would we eat first......??!!!


Thanks for that Dagny!

Tears before bedtime

I'd intended to write in my blog sooner, but what with events over the past few days and subsequent interruptions, it never got written.

It's always a somewhat difficult time when L has his friend S here, not because I don't get on with S or anything, but because it can be somewhat isolating. There's a lot of computers, beer and food. It's not so bad now I eat some stuff too, but when things were worse with my ED I used to get quite triggered.

Things were awful all Friday. Things were strained between me and L most of the day, and I felt second best a fair amount of the time. I don't thing it was intentional, but it's how I was made to feel. But the worst part was dinner time. L had roasted a huge joint of beef for him and S, and I was going to have a bit with some veggies. When the time came to make gravy, S said he wanted to put the juices from the beef in the gravy. I asked L if there was fat in it, he said it was full of fats. So I quietly got on and made my own "safe" gravy. When L saw this he exploded, started slagging me off to S, calling me "f*cking ridiculous" and ranting on abusively about my ED. It was too much to cope with on top of a day where I'd felt unappreciated and worthless. I did the usual stressed anorexic thing and didn't eat at all. Every time I tried to speak to L that evening he ignored me so I spent the evening watching TV in bed, while they got steadily more drunk and played the damn X-box downstairs. As my tears fell, I could hear him laughing at the game. I felt so, so hurt and so alone.

Next morning L went off in his car before me and S were awake. S said L had felt guilty about his actions the night before but didn't know how to rectify it. When L came back he was still very distant to me, though fine with S. I eventually told him we should talk - I hate an atmosphere and am often the one who tries to fix things. Turns out the crux of it is L can't deal with my ED. Even though I'm trying to have some sort of life, he can't let go of the thought of me being ill, and punishes me subconsciously because of that. I told him he was pushing me away, and that while I'm still ill, I'm also a woman with hopes and dreams, needs and desires. He never takes me anywhere special, never looks at me, rather sees a patient, an anorexic, an ill person. So I gave him a choice: if he wants me to stay with him, marry him next year, etc etc, he has to see a counsellor. It's hard enough for me to let go of my ED, but he's effectively keeping me chained to it.

All this sounds so trivial now that I write it. When I think of how much he hurt me, how ill I was yesterday as a result of the emotional pain, and how exhausted I still am today, it seems terrible. But in words it seems like nothing. Even though we'd sorted things out between us by yesterday afternoon, still the tears flew last night and I was very sick - my body is so weak that severe emotional strain batters me down. And I feel like such a fraud. As I was telling L yesterday morning that things are better now than 2 months ago, as I'm not in and out of hospital on a weekly basis, my mind kept thinking of the new diet pills I had bought the day before.

For me to give up anorexia is like stepping off a cliff and trusting that I won't fall. But I'm too scared to take that step because I have no one willing to catch me. L's support can be fickle, and my friends are too busy with their own lives. I see the future I want - hell, just to get out of the house would be a start! - but I cannot take that journey alone. Anorexia has dominated my life to some degree for 19 years. I do not know how to be without it. I need it. And that really scares me because it's killing me.

Why blog?

I used to think that blogs were there for teenagers and the like to communicate, almost like a histrionic "Dear Diary". But, on seeing how therapeutic my friend finds it, I've begun to think maybe writing stuff down on here could help me.

Loneliness is a bitter pill to swallow. I spend so much of my time lonely, and even when my other half is there I can feel lonely. There is a part of me that no one can reach, a part which I am both fiercely protective of and terrified of. Most people would call it the anorexic part of me, but that implies that it is wrong; how can something that gives you so much comfort and solace be so bad?

All I know is that right now I feel more unhappy than I ever have before, and all I have left are words. So here they are.