Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Yep, that's a pretty good reflection of how I am right now!
I'm soooooooooooooooo tired at the moment, and am a little bored today. L is on nights this week so he's out all night, gets back at 10am-ish and goes straight to bed to sleep. Then up in the evening and so the cycle continues. I feel sorry for him having to work all night; he doesn't do well on not much sleep and it is very anti-social for him, but he's getting on with it like a real trooper. He woke up a little earlier so I fixed him some food and drink and sent him back to bed until I wake him up with his dinner tonight. It's frustrating because I want to sit and chat with him, but he needs his sleep so I'm keeping away so not to disturb him. Also I'm feeling particularly unwell today, and could do with a little tlc myself, but his needs must come first as he has the night to work.

I had a great surprise last night when Dagny phoned me as I was going to bed! It was GREAT to hear her voice and share a giggle. It's so good to have a friend who really gets me and my nutty ways!

All I've done today is sit in bed reading for the most part of it. I feel really lousy, my body isn't at all happy so I'm actually giving in to it for once and letting it rest. Tomorrow will be tough as I have a meeting with the ED consultant and my therapist during the afternoon. Last time I had a meeting like that so much crap from the past was raked over and it took me a while to get myself back on track afterwards. They open you up, leave you raw, and then that's it, appointment over and you're expected to go back to life. Except it's way easier to open someone up than it is to close them down afterwards. Not looking forwards to that meeting. Worst of all is that I won't have L there in the evening to give me some support, as he'll be at work. Bleurghhh.

I often worry that my blogs are boring and a load of drivel. Other people seem to have so much to write about, what with ivf, babies, etc....I feel like my problems are insignificant, like I don't fit in. Some people would say that infertility isn't a choice whereas anorexia is, but that's so not true. I would never choose to have anorexia. I wish it'd go away. I wish all the damage my body has sustained from years of starving would go away, that I could eat stuff without torturing myself for hours afterwards, that I could face looking in the mirror. But it's been part of me for so long, it kept me going throughout all the abuse, I don't know how to live without it.