A bit depressing

I had my appointment with the ED consultant and my therapist today, and I must say that I had not anticipated the outcome. After much deliberating and ruminating on the consultant's part, she said that she was considering having my treatment terminated as I'm "not making adequate progress". Well excuse me but considering at the end of last year I was barely eating at all and was in and out of hospital on a weekly basis, I think I'm doing f*cking well. Maybe I haven't bulked out and gotten all fat, but I've maintained my low weight and recently laid down a bit of muscle as a result of a bit of swimming and walking more. Ok so I am exercising to reduce my body size, but at least I can do a little bit....last December I couldn't stand for more than 5 seconds at a time because my legs were too weak. Sure my staple diet is salad, fruit and veg, but I do get a bit of lean chicken, fish, eggs etc, and occasionally the evil carbs too. I've done all that with minimal support up here at all. L does his best but has his limits, and I see my GP and therapist less often these days. I feel pretty alone in this. More recently I've had more contact with Dagny, which has been like gold dust and better than 10 therapy sessions in one go.

What pisses me off most is when I think of how damn long it took me to get help in the first place, the help I got was wishy-washy, and now they want to write me off as a lost cause?!!! As Dagny will remember, as I got ill I begged for help because I knew how bad it could get (never thought it could get this bad though), but I wasn't thin enough. By the time I was thin enough I was so ill that 50 minutes of therapy every 2 weeks just didn't cut it. I've got very very ill, a little better, worse again and marginally better, but never well, never ok. And now they are thinking about terminating treatment. Which would leave me with nobody supporting me here.

I wanted to hack my pain into my arms. I haven't done that for ages, but everything hurt and I needed to get it out. Restricting my food helped but doesn't numb the pain quickly enough. And the razor blades were beckoning. But I somehow resisted, and as my resolve began to wane after L had gone to work tonight, Dagny phoned me. She gave me the strength to fight another day, and my arms remain intact. Thank you my friend.

I don't want to go to bed tonight even though it is getting very late. The consultant feels a need to constantly rake over the past, but I can't see how thinking about being abused and raped is going to be particularly useful. I want help in moving forwards, so I can regain my health and get my career started. I want to be a mum. My problems don't lay in the past; rather they lay in breaking out of the prison that anorexia keeps me in.

My ambition right now is to figure out how to get to Canada to stay with Dagny. I need a break, and I want to be with my sweet friend who understands me and loves me in spite of it.