Carbs!

Why are you so naughty? You tempt me with your complex sugars, making me long for you! I've avoided you for years, now I dream of eating you as toast, or rice or fries. It's very naughty, you will jump on my thighs and make my butt wobble. But I crave your forbidden treasures........

Back in rainy Notts

Well, my weekend away was brilliant. Saturday was meant to be L and my wedding day had I not got so ill, and it felt a bit funny waking up knowing I was supposed to be walking down the aisle. But hey, you can't dwell right?

So off we went to Cambridge, and it was actually a sunny day which was nice. We arrived at the hotel (a Holiday Inn) and I was happy to see there were fields out front with horses in! When we checked into our room we discovered that L's mum had had a huge bouquet of flowers delivered there for me, and a bottle of bubbly sat cooling in an ice bucket for us to share! It was amazing. I'd always dreamed someone would do that for me, and though it was my mother-in-law, not L himself, it still made me feel special.

After settling in we went for a walk round the lake and through fields which was nice. After such a stressful week for us both it was great to relax and laugh. When we got back we went to the hotel pool and swam, having a jacuzzi and blast in the steam room as well. I only lasted 5 mins in the steam room as too much heat isn't great if you have heart problems. But I did manage to go from steam room to the pool, thus managing a cold plunge!!!

On Saturday evening we watched Eurovision Song Contest and had our picnic. It was a really nice picnic; I'd made great savoury rice, but L did the rest. He did chicken and chorizo kebabs, cucumber sticks, salmon flakes, hard boiled eggs, bread sticks and dip and some ham. We hadn't eaten since breakfast and with all that exercise were pretty hungry! Eurovision itself was its usual pile of shite and we lost I think! But voting is always rigged as its all political. Scandinavian countries vote for themselves, as do Balkans, etc etc. We're all alone out there! I fell asleep before the end but didn't miss much!

Sunday morning came and we went to breakfast. After that we went to Cambridge city centre which I hadn't been to since I'd gone to my uni interview in 2001. It was raining so we didn't take a punt, but we did go all around the city centre, walking about 10 miles over the day! We had fun despite the rain, and I got to show L the college I'd got a place at but declined. We went into a museum which had genuine relics from ancient Greece, Rome and Egypt, including a genuine mummy with body inside! When we got back to the hotel we swam again (well it was free to use so we had to get our money's worth!) then went to dinner. Dinner was awful; we each had £20 to spend on the meal as part of the room package, but it was all overpriced and not great stuff. The bread was stale, soup luke warm, etc etc. I struggle eating out, and it was pretty hard going. Despite not eating much we went over our limit so had to pay the extra. Not a good meal and a bit of a disappointment, but we just thought that if we ever went to a Holiday Inn again we'll eat out!

On Monday we had breakfast then came back to Notts. There we had the usual dross of getting groceries in and unpacking.

It's a shame it's all over but we were glad we went. My parents had paid for the first night there as part of a sorry-you're-not-getting-married present, and dog-sat for us, which I am very grateful for. We hadn't been away somewhere that wasn't a set of parents for well over a couple of years.

I feel better in myself for getting away. I'd felt quite depressed last week and I still don't feel great, but I'm able to cope with it a little better now. I hate being on the Pill, but it's the best thing for my bone and endometrial health so I'll have to cope. I feel so much fatter on it, bigger boobs, butt and thighs. It makes me want to starve again but I know I have to try and stay strong. I can't put L through that again. Or myself. And living is great, just so hard having to put food in my mouth, chew, swallow, keep it down and not exercise too much. Still, if nothing else I'm a tough cookie.

Not again!

I don't believe the shitty luck I have sometimes. This morning another of my teeth broke. I had this fiasco in February and it meant I had to go and stay down south with my parents for the week, as my dentist is down there. This time it was one of the ones on the other side at the back. I look after my teeth so well, but being sick so much last winter when I was really ill has obviously weakened them big time. Also my bones are osteopenic, so maybe that makes my teeth osteopenic too.

So yeah, I'm bummed. I don't want to stay with my parents right now. I'm having major issues with them regarding the way they treated me in the past regarding the abuse, and I'm not yet ready to confront them with stuff. But it's hard to act "normal". But my dentist is down there, and I've been seeing him since I've had teeth, and he knows the effect my eating disorder has had on my teeth. Bleh.

Ever have one of those days? I'm having 2 of them!

Last night L got home late, grunted in my direction and went straight to bed. So that was sucky. I needed a bit of tlc. This morning my therapist cancelled my appointment so not only did I miss having someone to whinge at, I'd also got up and ready to go so didn't get a much-needed sleep-in!

It's not been the best week really, and I'm struggling to keep a sunny disposition. I was hurt badly at the start of the week, then felt a bit neglected by L the rest of the week; I guess I have a right to feel low. But I'm usually so upbeat and there for everyone else...I don't like feeling so depressed again.

Oh well. Tomorrow's a new day right? I will be glad when this Saturday is over. I know we're going away but it hurts so much knowing it was meant to be our wedding day. Had I not fallen and injured my head so badly it would've been. I know next May is only a year away, but it seems so, so far right now.

I'm just looking forwards to my riding lesson tomorrow. Mizz always makes me feel better, even when she's being naughty, and it'll be a landmark; the first lesson in 3 years. It's a sign things are getting back to normal. Fingers crossed I ride ok!

Bleurghhhhhh

I'm sooooooooooooo tired, but I'm also bored coz L is on call so won't be home til late and I'm too tired to do anything to entertain myself!
That's better, needed a good whinge!

Never enough hours in the day!

I can't believe its Wednesday already. Where has the past week gone?!!

L and I spent last weekend at his dad's house in Oxfordshire. I love that part of the country, it's so rural and, well, planty (?!!) Unfortunately we were told my dog couldn't come as they'd had new carpets laid, so we dropped her off at L's mum's house first. Fortunately they live about 30 minutes apart, so it wasn't too much of a trek. I was somewhat pissed off at that. My dog is very well behaved and could easily have stayed in the kitchen (the house is certainly large enough!), and I hate not including her. But at least mother-in-law looked after her well. I felt a bit tense there so did something I rarely do, and drank some bubbly when it was offered. Apparently I'm very good company when merry so that's just as well!

We'd intended to go to his dad's via the stables so I could ride, but my blood pressure was very low, and I felt quite faint, so being round a horse wasn't the most sensible thing. Thus the stables were bypassed. On Sunday I felt a bit too delicate to get on a horse! Also, I've been getting very bad headaches most days these past few weeks so I felt pretty rubbish with that as well.

On Monday I needed to get up to the yard, so I caught the bus and rode my horse out. She'd had a few days off work so it was good to get her back into it. She was very nappy, wanted to see if she could get away with refused to hack out. This time I managed to keep her going, and I won the battle of wills! I took her further along the walk than I had last time, so felt a return of the old confidence. Yesterday I was at the yard again, this time lunging her over trotting poles and a small jump. It's physically tiring, demanding work, but I'm relishing the challenges it brings me.

Last night I was absolutely pooped, so our fridge-freezer dying wasn't the best thing that could've happened! Fortunately - and I don't know how it worked but it did - L gave it a good kick and it started working again!! It's on its last legs though so will need replacing, but at least our food is safe right now!

Today I went swimming with my friend and neighbour who is pregnant. That was fun. It was fairly relaxed swimming, which is probably what I needed as I'm very tired, and it was great to be out socialising again. She even bought me a little rose plant as she said she's so happy I'm getting well and is really enjoying my renewed friendship. Awww! That was so touching!

This afternoon I think I'm going to relax a bit. I've got therapy and riding tomorrow and a riding lesson - the first in 3 years! - on Friday. Then this weekend we're in Cambridge for a couple of nights over what would have been our wedding weekend. Yes, I think some relaxing is just what the doctor ordered!

Hope you are all well, and Happy Birthday to Dagny.

Whirlwind!

I am a whirlwind today!
I saw my therapist this morning and wanted to go to the stables this afternoon, but there have been some house jobs that have needed doing for aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages, so I thought I'd get on with those while I was feeling proactive!
So this afternoon I've washed the kitchen floor, put a load of laundry through the washing mashing, bleached and scrubbed the sink and surround, washed the work tops, washed the fronts of the kitchen cupboards and washed up stuff that can't go through the dishwasher. Then I walked the dog, came back and vacuumed the downstairs. After that I washed the bathroom which was no mean feat! Oh yeah and I emptied all the bins in the house too.
Now I'm knackered! I want a bath but am reluctant to dirty my sparkling clean bath!!!

I just want L to come home from work now so I can relax with him a bit. He needs cheering up. He always needs cheering up!

Then Heroes is on tonight. Huzzah!

Anyone think I'm trying no to think about something by keeping myself busy?!!!

Enigma

How can you begin to explain what you don't yourself understand?
Then, if you could explain it, there's every possibility you'll be met with skepticism.
Is it best to keep it to yourself? Or is it best to share something that would benefit others?
But how should you explain it?
How would you describe to a life-long blind person what the colour red looks like, or the aroma of freshly-baked bread to someone with no sense of smell?

I feel like I have been reawakened by a friend of mine. And that friendship is unlikely in itself, and humbling on my part. I feel empowered as it were, yet awed. Yet I am just me, just someone struggling to survive.

Sunny sunny sunny!

I love the sun! Last summer the UK was hit by days of torrential rain and nationwide floods, so we didn't see much sun after May. The winter seemed to come early, though to be honest I started going into hospital non-stop from September until January, so I barely saw what the weather was doing anyway! Up until a week or so ago it was chilly with winds and rain. But it's been a week of glorious sunshine, and today it's still sunny! I'm not a sun-worshipper sort of person but I am outside a lot when I'm not too ill, and I love getting the light in my eyes and some good old Vitamin D! I pray that it'll still be nice in July when L and I go to Cornwall for a week, as last July we had to cancel our break due to the weather. Lucky that L's mum owns the cottage in Cornwall, so the only thing we have to arrange is L's time off (which is a nightmare!). We both really need a holiday, especially since our Jamaican honeymoon has been postponed with the wedding. Had things worked out, I'd be getting married in 13 days from now, and going to Jamaica in 15. Wish it'd worked out.

Anyhooo, it's a beeeee-yoooo-tiful day and my throat feels a bit better so I may try to get to the stables this afternoon. It would probably be more wise to spend another day resting to fully get over it, but I can feel the horsey pull......!! I'm a bit scared of the journey as it's 2 buses and I've not done that since last year. I think I'm strong enough. I must be strong enough!

Oooh my new passport has just arrived! Now I can travel!!!!

Still ill

It's the 5th day of my throat infection and I'm beginning to feel really depressed now. All week I've done the right stuff; eat a bit, drink plenty of fluids, take vitamin c and echinacea, gargle and rest. But I still feel dreadful.

L has been on call the past 2 days, not getting home until 10pm, so I've been having to fend for myself. The glands in my neck and stomach are massively swollen and I have a mild fever, but as it's most likely a virus I wouldn't get antibiotics for it. I wanted to bus it up to the stables yesterday and today, but I'm still too ill to do so. I want someone to look after me a bit, give me a bit of tlc, but L is tired when he gets home and can't be bothered. Instead it's me having to look after him, iron him a fresh shirt, when all I want is to be given a bit of love.

I really needed some horsey therapy as well. I feel like a beached whale, don't want to eat. It all sucks.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

I have saddle sores on my butt and my body aches like crazy, but it's great! It's pain, but it's good pain. It's not failing kidneys pain or stressed heart pain or any of that sort of thing. It's pain from doing something I love.

I rode Mizz out Saturday and Sunday on this 40 min (in horsey walk) route which takes you through trees and along the banks of the river Trent. Mizz has loved it, and I've been in my element! Silly beam all over my face! L walks out with us which has been good exercise for him, but also good for my confidence as I'm still physically quite weak. On the Saturday I was using both hands on the reins, but yesterday I was back to my old confidence, using one hand to hold the reins and the other on my leg. I was amazed at how I've just settled straight back into it. And Charisma has been a real angel. I am so blessed to have her.

So this afternoon hopefully it'll be another ride out. I've told my body if it gives me a ride today I'll let it recover and rest tomorrow! She gets her front shoes tomorrow. Then I'm planning on a lesson hack on Wednesday. Need to get the bus there on Wednesday though, so must rest rest rest tomorrow.

I'll get L to take some more pictures and post them later. I felt really fat last night and still stressy about it this morning, so I'm trying to submerge myself in my horse and let that cary me through.

Please let it be good weather this weekend...

After 15 or so months of not riding, I've decided to ignore the doctors and get back in the saddle tomorrow!
Ok so it's a big risk to my health, but I need to be at one with my horse again. I miss it, and she does too. I need to feel alive again, and I will riding her.
For the first 6 or so weeks I'll need to walk her only, and for about 20 minutes at a time to start off. Then I can introduce trot after a bit and finally canter. She needs to go slowly at first to.
But so much rests on this weekend. If I cope with it I'll get the girl at the stables to ride her a few times in the week too. As I get stronger I'll be able to bus to the yard and have lessons. But there's no point starting her off if I have to stop again. Waste of time and money.
So fingers crossed I cope with it all, and pray for good weather! Don't think she'd appreciate starting over in the rain!
I'm ridiculously excited about it all though! I feel like a child on Christmas Eve!

Oh this is just lovely....

Keyboards 'dirtier than a toilet'

Some computer keyboards harbour more harmful bacteria than a toilet seat, research has suggested.

Consumer group Which? said tests at its London offices found equipment carrying bugs that could cause food poisoning.

Out of 33 keyboards swabbed, four were regarded as a potential health hazard and one harboured five times more germs than one of the office's toilet seats.

Microbiologist Dr Peter Wilson said a keyboard was often "a reflection of what is in your nose and in your gut".

During the Which? tests in January this year, a microbiologist deemed one of the office's keyboards to be so dirty he ordered it to be removed, quarantined and cleaned.

It had 150 times the recommended limit for bacteria - five times as filthy as a lavatory seat tested at the same time, the research found.

The equipment was swabbed for bugs, such as those that can cause food poisoning like E.coli and staphylococcus aureus.

Dr Wilson, a consultant microbiologist at University College London Hospital, told BBC Radio 5 Live sharing a keyboard could be passing on illnesses among office workers.

"If you look at what grows on computer keyboards, and hospitals are worse, believe it or not, it's more or less a reflection of what's in your nose and in your gut," he said.

"Should somebody have a cold in your office, or even have gastroenteritis, you're very likely to pick it up from a keyboard."

Which? said one of the causes of dirty keyboards was users eating lunch at their desk, with crumbs encouraging the growth of bacteria.

Poor personal hygiene, such as not washing hands after going to the toilet, could also be to blame, it said.

Cleaning techniques

Which? computing editor Sarah Kidner advised users to give their computer "a spring clean".

"It's quite simple to do and could prevent your computer from becoming a health hazard," she said.

She said dust and food crumbs should be shaken out of keyboards and they should be wiped with a soft, lightly dampened, lint-free cloth. They should also be disinfected with alcohol wipes.

Research by the University of Arizona last year found the average office desktop harboured 400 times more bacteria than the average office toilet seat.

They also found that, compared to men, on average women have three to four times the amount of germs in, on and around their work area.



Anyone for a snack?!!

Several months in

When I tried recovery last year I counted the days. After 10 days of eating something we celebrated. Then 20, 50, 100. 100 days was amazing. I'd managed not to starve for 100 days. After 100 days I started counting weeks, then months. After about 6 months I stopped. Because I was relapsing. So I counted hours of exercise, calories eaten, pounds lost.

This year I didn't bother counting. The whole recovery thing has been very half-hearted. In fact I don't even think of it as "recovery". More "loosening the grip anorexia has on me". I don't know what I weigh now. I try not to count lengths when I swim. I try not to exercise too much. Sometimes I manage, sometimes I don't.

On first impressions you might think I was more likely to succeed last year. I mean, I was driven, I appeared to be doing the right things. But I was doing it to get the doctors who were going to section me off my back and keep L and my parents happy. This year is different. I'm doing it more for me. After the winter I had, in and out of hospital on a weekly basis, ending up on a chest drain on one admission and injuring my head so badly after I collapsed onto it that I had a stroke....I'm terrified to go back there. So I eat, not because I want to, but because I know that I should've died so many times but I didn't. Maybe there's a reason for my survival. And while I never wallow in the past, by letting anorexia kill me is letting my abuser and rapists win. I don't want to be a victim of my past.

But it is a full-time job trying to eat. And now my body is changing. I no longer look emaciated. The bones are still there and everything, but I have a little bit of muscle now, and I'm getting a bit of boob. I swell up and down with fluid but that's because my kidneys suck. It's really hard coming to terms with the loss of my anorexic physique. It's like grieving for a loved one. I guess if you've never been there it's really hard to understand that. But I can't go back to being that ill again. For one, I won't survive another relapse. But also, would my relationship survive another relapse? L's stood by me through so much already but the worry crippled him last year. On 24th May, in 22 days time, we were going to get married. After my head injury he postponed it to May 2009. I don't want to have to do that another time. We've waited to marry long enough! Then there's riding, babies, a career. I want it all. I just need to be strong enough to not starve.