Opinions welcomed!

These are 2 bracelets which I have made; the top one is tigers eye and gold plate, and the bottom is fluorite and silver plate.
I'm thinking of seling my stuff (God knows I need the money!!).
Could people tell me first what they think of them, and second how much they'd be prepared to pay if they bought each one in a shop.

As a guide, parts for each one cost about £10, and it took around 3 hours to make each one.

It lives again!

After a hairy 24 hours my PC is back up and running. I had to format it as it was chugging, but it misbehaved and nearly learned how to fly - out of the window!
But it lives to see another day, thank God!

I'll write properly tomorrow, and check out how other people are doing.

Questions questions!

Stolen from Dagny over at Who is John Galt.
This is kinda cool!


1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? It's under my right armpit, from a chest drain after a pneumothorax last October

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? A beautiful horse print called Fierce Grace by Tony Stromberg

3. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? 3am on a Friday under a full moon

4. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? I want to get thinner :$

5. WHAT DO YOU MISS? Riding my horse. I haven't ridden for best part of a year as I've been so ill.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? My horse, or maybe my camera....

7. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5'7" (I've shrunk because of osteopenia)

8. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DAY? Not usually, unless I look in the mirror

9. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR? Being trapped in a fire

10. WHAT KIND OF HAIR COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Dark in colour, shortish in length (but not crew cut)

11. WHAT ABOUT EYE COLOR? Dark eyes are dreamy!

12. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? Diet coke. Can't stand coffee and energy drink are only ok if they're sugar free

13. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? Cheese and tomato with pepperoni. Mmmmmmmmmmmm!!

14. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Crispy grilled bacon

15. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME? Purple

16. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH? No, but pirhanas are tasty ;)

17. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU EVER RECEIVED? Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....

18. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH? John Barrowman. Shame he's gay!

19. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? I love Roots stuff from Canada

20. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU WANT? A Range Rover...with an Ifor Williams horse trailer attached!

21. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Not deliberately, but you don't choose who you fall in love with...

22. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? I'm British! I've been to the USA though, along with France, Greece and Canada for 30mins (plane refuelling!)

23. YOUR WEAKNESSES? Bacon - must be very well cooked though!

24. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? Hillary Clinton - it was on a Politics trip to Washington and I went to her senate office just to prove to my lecturer that I could do it!

25. FIRST JOB? Babysitting

26. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Hehee yep

27. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOUL MATE? Not everyone, but some people seem to

28. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT? Talking to my mother-in-law-to-be on the phone

29. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? I've had a pre-malignant removed under local anaesthetic and several endoscopies, but nothing requiring general anaesthetic

30. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? My eyes

31. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? It's not for a while!

32. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? Ideally 2 or 3

33. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Jennifer Hart - the wife in the 70s series Hart to Hart (played by Stephanie Powers)

34. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Smoking

35. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU MISS ABOUT GRADE SCHOOL? Nada

36. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? Kerastase

37. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It's ok, probably a good thing I don't work as a doctor now as it's too neat!

38. ANY BAD HABITS? I'm a perfectionist and am always writing lists!

39. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON? In the past but not for a long time

40. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I hate myself, so no

41. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS? Does it ever work?

42. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? I starve or exercise like a demon possessed

43. WHAT’S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE? To be a mum

44. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Sylvanian Families

45. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? 52 - I just counted!

46. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID? No. I liked Zippy, Oscar the Grouch, Elmo and the Fraggles!

47. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE? Neither!

48. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES? Yes

49. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM? Yes and no..my old bedroom which has my PC in is now my study, but it still has a bed in it which I occasionally sleep in.

50. PLANS FOR TONIGHT? Sex?!!

51. WHAT’S THE FASTEST YOU’VE EVER GONE IN A CAR? 120mph in a rapid response ambulance car up the hard drive on a motorway, against the flow of traffic! The paramedic was showing off his new car!

52. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? Bruce Springsteen

53. LAST THING YOU DRANK? Diet coke

54. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? I'm a Brit! But if Dubya Bush is a good example of Republicans I'd have to say Democrat!

55. DO YOU HAVE A LOW SELF ESTEEM OR A HIGH SELF ESTEEM? Low - or non-existant

56. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

God damn the NHS

I'm so unbelievably pissed off with our health service right now. I know it's great in that you get free health care (even if you do indirectly pay for it via tax) but it's sucked for a while and sucks even harder right now.

I managed to stagger to my GP yesterday. The whole session wasn't great; we usually have a great rapport and seem to put the world (or at least my world!) to rights in a 20 minute session, but yesterday he was off kilter entirely. He's had his own issues for a few months, but I thought after 8 weeks of doctor avoidance he may be back on form. Apparently not. My GP is a fantastic doctor, but whenever I'm trying the whole recovery thing he has a tendency to become deluded into thinking everything's going great, I'm getting stronger, eating well, etc, and doesn't listen to me when I try to tell him how it really is. He was going on about how it's great that I've not been in hospital since I was in high dependency unit at the end of January. I was trying to say it's because being in HDU scared the shit out of me so I've either avoiding him when I've been really ill since then, or just been too ill to get to my appointment so cancelled it and rebooked. Anyway, the whole time there was a waste of time, and given how awful I felt to get there and back, I'd have been better off in bed. I spent most of the time in tears and generally feeling frustrated. But he did take my bloods.

So yesterday afternoon I began the familiar pattern of waiting for my blood results and wondering if I'd end up in hospital. I crawled into bed once I got back from the surgery and didn't get back up again. As evening drew on my health deteriorated; my heart rate went haywire and I got those awful palpitations and chest pains that tell me my potassium is deadly low and I need a drip and heart monitor pronto. L spent most of the night checking on me to see if I was still alive. In the morning he was prepared to stay home from work to get me to hospital but I sent him in, telling him he could always come home once we knew my results. I slept most of the morning (sleeping through the postman so now have to rearrange to get Dagny's package delivered on Friday!) and still hadn't heard from my GP at lunch so called up. This was weird in itself; even when my results are good for me they're pretty bad for the average person so I always hear by the following morning, if not the night before.

My GP told me they were horrendous. My potassium is 2.1, my urea is 19 and my eGFR (basic renal function) is 29 which is way down, and below where they should think about dialysis. All the other results were equally as bad. The outcome? F*ck all. No hospital admission, no additional treatment, nothing. Don't get me wrong, I abhor that hospital, but I'm not so stupid that I would take a chance on my life, and that is just gambling with my life.

When I texted L to tell him the results he was furious. I feel let down, scared, and cheated, because I've tried to do the right things but my body isn't playing ball. I'm trying to eat, I've cut down my laxatives, I take my meds, I swim which helps my heart and the elimination of renal toxins. I was so ill last night and am not so good today, but my GP wasn't even going to tell me what my results were! To me this just shows how complacent they've all become. They've given up trying to help, given up making an effort. I'm obviously not worth saving. And coupled with the potential loss of therapy, it makes me think why the hell am I even bothering? All the effort, all the heartache, all the crap of trying to overcome a life-long eating disorder, and for what? SO I will just die anyway because the fricking NHS don't give a shit.

When you feel worthless anyway, this does nothing to challenge that feeling. I feel so alone right now.

Busy busy busy

It's been a while since I last posted on here. Past few days seem to have flown by, despite the fact that not much seems to have been achieved.

Thursday.
Thursday night was L's last night on call, and he surprised me by getting a mention on national radio saying he loves me. That made me feel so warm and fuzzy. A far cry from a few weeks back when things didn't look so great between us. It's funny, because the free things in life are always the things that mean most to me. While some women may be wooed by a diamond or pair of shoes, just having L tell the world he loves me meant more than any material stuff would. That doesn't mean a diamond or a pair of shoes wouldn't be welcomed, I hasten to add! So I went to sleep that night feeling loved. Best feeling in the world.

Friday.
This was always going to be a great day as it was the first evening in the week whereby L didn't have to go to work in the evening! I didn't do much during the day, just made sure the house was nice and tidy so we could have fun when he woke up and not think about housework. Also I was on a buzz from doiet pills so was firing on all 4 cylinders. During the evening we watched Harry Potter 5 on dvd which I'd just bought, and had a nice snuggly time.

Saturday.
Not such a great day. L and I swam early afternoon which is always great. I was beginning to feel pretty rubbish that day but wasn't so bad that I couldn't mind over matter it and get some lengths swum. I think I'm getting fitter which is great. Can now do 30m underwater, and I've sped up in general. Unfortunately my body isn't as forgiving when it comes to getting out of the water, but while I'm in it's great. I've always felt safe in water, and am at peace. I really miss my competitive swimming days; it was always so effortless but I never took it for granted...every gold medal was precious. I really miss the thrill I got from competing, and while I still have a great style, I lack the stamina. I often wonder what would've happened had I chosen the other path when I was given a choice. At the time being an academic, working as a doctor was more important than being an Olympian. What if I'd stuck with swimming? Would I still've gotten M.E.? I still would've had the abuse, but wouldn't have come to uni so wouldn't have been raped. Then I wouldn't have anorexia so badly now. But conversely I wouldn't have met L or my beloved horse. Who knows?
Anyway, after swimming we had intended to go to the stables but it was like a monsoon outside and I'm not supposed to get drenched in the rain as it makes my health worse so we planned to go the next day. Then L's friend invited himself up for the night. I wasn't keen but S has had some stresses recently, and I wanted L to be happpy so I agreed. I wasn't really in the mood; been particularly depressed and could've done with L's individual attention, but a friend in need and all that. It wasn't the best evening, but the guys had fun.

Sunday.
L had eaten too much curry the night before so felt rubbish most of the morning, so the day went fairly slowly. We did manage to get a quick swim in before S went home mid-afternoon. I was glad when he went. I feel like a clingy toddler....just want to cling to him and not be let go. Maybe I'm just insecure with life. The possibility of losing my therapy has really rocked me. Every significant person in my life eventually leaves me. I feel so vulnerable and frightened at the moment, which is probably why I want to cling to L as I do at the moment. Good job he's a tactile person so loves the physical contact!

Monday.
L's last day off after nights. I was meant to see my therapist during the afternoon but I'd come out with a bad ear/throat/chest infection the night before and was feeling terrible, so had to cancel appointment. I spent most of the day lying down doing nothing, and during the afternoon I watched a dvd with L. His mum and her husband needed somewhere to stay overnight so crashed with us during the evening. It's not that I mind her so much, she's had her moments but is mostly ok, but it's her husband I object to. She was on business up here so obviously needed to be here overnight, but he won't let her go away overnight without him so always comes up later by train. If he was a nice person it wouldn't be so bad, but he's not and I feel very uncomfortable around him.
One good thing that came out of her being here though is that I got paid for making her a chain! She had an old locket that she wanted a chain for, and had commissioned me to make something in keeping with the antiquity of the locket. After much thought I made something with Swarovski crystals and stirling silver chain, but was worried she wouldn't like it. Thankfully she loved it! When it can to her paying I got L to help; I'm rubbish at valuing my own work, so would've asked for £10, even though that wouldn't have covered the crystals, let alone the rest of it and labour. L suggested £20 but she insisted on £30! So many people have suggested I sell my stuff on eBay, so maybe I'll have to think about it seriously because God knows I need the money!

Today.
I finally got to my GP today after having to cancel several times in recent weeks due to feeling too rubbish to get there. I felt pretty terrible this morning, and had to sit down several times en route and was dead on my feet when I arrived, but I got there. I've had my bloods taken, so am just waiting to hear if my bloods are good enough for me to stay out of hospital. My potassium's usually about 2.5mmol/L (normal = 3.5-5.5mmol/L), but I'm only admitted if it's 2.1 or less. Don't get me wrong, 2.5 is a fatal level but my body has adapted to it so my GP only sends me in at 2.1 otherwise I'd never get out of hospital! The thought of an IV with potassium in is quite nice right now as I feel dreadful, but I really really hate hospital admissions. There's a lot of anorexic bashing that goes on and I can't handle the stress right now. My heart isn't doing so well either (due to low potassium). If it gets worse Iill have to go in, but if I can avoid it I'll stay out.


So yeah, my last few days in a nutshell. What a dull life I lead!

Dagny I'm thinking of you today.xxx

The devil has 8 legs...

They run 10 mph, jump three feet, and are a nocturnal spider, so only come out at night unless they are in shade. When they bite you, you are injected with Novocain so you go numb instantly. You don't even know you are bitten when you are sleeping, so you wake up with part of your leg or arm missing because it has been gnawing on it all night long.
If you are walking around and you bump something that is casting a shadow over it, and the sun makes contact with it, you better run. It will instantly run for your shadow, and scream the whole time it is chasing you.

PS: The one on the bottom is eating the one on the top. These are Spiders found daily in Iraq by troops. Imagine waking up and seeing one of these in your tent!!

A bit depressing

I had my appointment with the ED consultant and my therapist today, and I must say that I had not anticipated the outcome. After much deliberating and ruminating on the consultant's part, she said that she was considering having my treatment terminated as I'm "not making adequate progress". Well excuse me but considering at the end of last year I was barely eating at all and was in and out of hospital on a weekly basis, I think I'm doing f*cking well. Maybe I haven't bulked out and gotten all fat, but I've maintained my low weight and recently laid down a bit of muscle as a result of a bit of swimming and walking more. Ok so I am exercising to reduce my body size, but at least I can do a little bit....last December I couldn't stand for more than 5 seconds at a time because my legs were too weak. Sure my staple diet is salad, fruit and veg, but I do get a bit of lean chicken, fish, eggs etc, and occasionally the evil carbs too. I've done all that with minimal support up here at all. L does his best but has his limits, and I see my GP and therapist less often these days. I feel pretty alone in this. More recently I've had more contact with Dagny, which has been like gold dust and better than 10 therapy sessions in one go.

What pisses me off most is when I think of how damn long it took me to get help in the first place, the help I got was wishy-washy, and now they want to write me off as a lost cause?!!! As Dagny will remember, as I got ill I begged for help because I knew how bad it could get (never thought it could get this bad though), but I wasn't thin enough. By the time I was thin enough I was so ill that 50 minutes of therapy every 2 weeks just didn't cut it. I've got very very ill, a little better, worse again and marginally better, but never well, never ok. And now they are thinking about terminating treatment. Which would leave me with nobody supporting me here.

I wanted to hack my pain into my arms. I haven't done that for ages, but everything hurt and I needed to get it out. Restricting my food helped but doesn't numb the pain quickly enough. And the razor blades were beckoning. But I somehow resisted, and as my resolve began to wane after L had gone to work tonight, Dagny phoned me. She gave me the strength to fight another day, and my arms remain intact. Thank you my friend.

I don't want to go to bed tonight even though it is getting very late. The consultant feels a need to constantly rake over the past, but I can't see how thinking about being abused and raped is going to be particularly useful. I want help in moving forwards, so I can regain my health and get my career started. I want to be a mum. My problems don't lay in the past; rather they lay in breaking out of the prison that anorexia keeps me in.

My ambition right now is to figure out how to get to Canada to stay with Dagny. I need a break, and I want to be with my sweet friend who understands me and loves me in spite of it.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Yep, that's a pretty good reflection of how I am right now!
I'm soooooooooooooooo tired at the moment, and am a little bored today. L is on nights this week so he's out all night, gets back at 10am-ish and goes straight to bed to sleep. Then up in the evening and so the cycle continues. I feel sorry for him having to work all night; he doesn't do well on not much sleep and it is very anti-social for him, but he's getting on with it like a real trooper. He woke up a little earlier so I fixed him some food and drink and sent him back to bed until I wake him up with his dinner tonight. It's frustrating because I want to sit and chat with him, but he needs his sleep so I'm keeping away so not to disturb him. Also I'm feeling particularly unwell today, and could do with a little tlc myself, but his needs must come first as he has the night to work.

I had a great surprise last night when Dagny phoned me as I was going to bed! It was GREAT to hear her voice and share a giggle. It's so good to have a friend who really gets me and my nutty ways!

All I've done today is sit in bed reading for the most part of it. I feel really lousy, my body isn't at all happy so I'm actually giving in to it for once and letting it rest. Tomorrow will be tough as I have a meeting with the ED consultant and my therapist during the afternoon. Last time I had a meeting like that so much crap from the past was raked over and it took me a while to get myself back on track afterwards. They open you up, leave you raw, and then that's it, appointment over and you're expected to go back to life. Except it's way easier to open someone up than it is to close them down afterwards. Not looking forwards to that meeting. Worst of all is that I won't have L there in the evening to give me some support, as he'll be at work. Bleurghhh.

I often worry that my blogs are boring and a load of drivel. Other people seem to have so much to write about, what with ivf, babies, etc....I feel like my problems are insignificant, like I don't fit in. Some people would say that infertility isn't a choice whereas anorexia is, but that's so not true. I would never choose to have anorexia. I wish it'd go away. I wish all the damage my body has sustained from years of starving would go away, that I could eat stuff without torturing myself for hours afterwards, that I could face looking in the mirror. But it's been part of me for so long, it kept me going throughout all the abuse, I don't know how to live without it.

R.I.P. Poppy

So yesterday the time came and Poppy was put to sleep at 10.30am. Apparently it was very peaceful and she had my parents holding her at the end. She will be cremated and her ashes buried in the garden.

I have so many mixed feelings about the whole thing though. Obviously I'm very sad, but I'm also pissed off. Poppy shouldn't have been allowed to get so bad before she was taken. And I wanted to be there as she died; she was MY dog first. But no, I have no right to be upset, Mum has the monopoly on grief apparently. Or so she seems to think. I told Mum that I want to be there when the ashes are buried and she's not even happy to let me do that. I don't want them buried; I want her taken to the park where she loved to run before she got too ill to do so. I want her set free to the wind, not buried at the bottom of the garden. I was always going to take Shelley and Poppy back after my first year at uni. It was agreed before I started uni; the only reason why I was going to leave them that first year was because you can't have animals in halls of residence. But after that time my mum didn't want to let me take them so I ended up getting Kiwi. And I'm so pissed at the whole thing because now I'm being excluded from everything like I don't matter. Like I've always been excluded in the past.

I don't want to kick up a big fuss though as it doesn't feel respectful to Poppy's memory. But still, I'm pretty hurt by it all.

L was really sweet to me yesterday. I didn't really want to do anything all day. Felt really low and apathetic. Sometimes my depression really kicks in and I need to be bullied into doing stuff, but when I'm doing it I'm glad I bothered. I went to the stables to see my horse which was nice. I didn't feel very well at all so didn't do much with her, but being with her was therapeutic. L was very attentive and caring which I really, REALLY needed, and I'm very grateful to him for this.

This morning we went swimming. I'm trying to control the urge to over-exercise, while putting in a few lengths at the same time and having a laugh by diving for the locker key and stuff. My muscles are toning up a bit which is great. I'm trying to substitute looking emaciated for being very lean but with toned muscles. Being emaciated is so much safer; I take up less space, am more invisible, etc. But I won't survive it much longer and I know it's not the way to live a life. And I want to start living again, not just existing day by day, so I need to keep trying to eat. The average person would never believe how much willpower it takes to put food into your mouth, chew and swallow it. The effort is exhausting, but is the only way I'll get to have a career and one day be a mum.

Sunny days

Well that's not technically true, as the British version of the monsoon is currently going on outside, but I feel quite sunny!

I've been lying low the past few days. I've been quite tired, and the depression's been roaring it's ugly head a bit. But I had a really good chat with Dagny yesterday which helped a whole load, and L was quite attentive last night, and it's amazing how that can really help.

This morning I went swimming with him (he's off today as he's on nights next week) and was pleased to find I'm a bit fitter. My body's slowly getting stronger...when I think of how I couldn't walk unaided in December it makes me shudder. People don't realise anorexia can do that to you. It's tough because I look at my slightly heavier body, and while I can see that it's a bit bigger with muscle and fluid retention, not fat, it's still more body. I still feel like I take up too much space. But as Dagny would say, I deserve to take up space. Just really hard believing that sometimes.

I had a letter yesterday from the consultant who was in charge of the nutrition unit where I went for tests a fewe weeks back. They found abnormalities which is good as maybe them fixing them will make me feel better. But it's bad because they're not sure what to do about them, so I have to go in for another few days when a bed's available for more tests and drips and shit. Once was enough. Seriously. I don't want to go in. It's looking like my problem is secondary hyperaldosteronism, secondary to either heart or kidney failure (which we already know I have). I feel like going in for further tests is pointless; I don't think the problem will be fixable, and it's a hell of a lot of stress and a waste of their time and resources. And maybe I'm scared too.

But hey, I'm planning to visit Dagny next summer so I need to be strong for that. I can't wait....!

A song for Dagny

Here are the lyrics to a song that always makes me think of you.

Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd)

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Thank you for always being there. xxx

Poppy

This is Poppy. She's a 15 year old Hungarian Kuvatz I rescued from Battersea Dogs Home in January 2000. I took her because no one else wanted her; she'd been badly abused and dumped on the street in below freezing temperatures. She didn't know how to play, or how to eat dog food - any food she'd had before had been flung at her in scraps, or so the vet thought. For months I had to feed her by putting soft food in her mouth and making her swallow. The irony of it; my dog was as anorexic as me.

I left her, along with Shelley, in the care of my parents when I moved to Nottingham for uni. She was well cared for, though never seemed happy. It was like, despite having endless love with us, she expected abuse like she'd had before. Poppy was never any trouble. On a trip to the park she was content to trot along smelling the flowers; she didn't understand how to play with a stick or ball like Shelley.

These past few years Poppy's health has declined. Her arthiritic hips are now so painful she cannot go up and down stairs, and she cannot sit. Lying down takes ages, and she cries in pain as she does so. She doesn't like walks anymore, and looks so unhappy. She's incontinent, and her blindness and deafness make her very insecure and clingy. I've been trying to get my parents to put her to sleep to release her of her suffering for a few weeks now. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to lose her, but I see the look in her eyes and I know that suffering so well. Last winter, if I'd been an animal, I'd probably have been put down myself. I certainly begged for it to stop the pain.

So this Saturday she'll have a nice chickeny breakfast which she loves, then she'll go on her last car trip to the vet. The vet agrees its time now. Then she'll be set free. I wish I was going where she's going.

Bums and tums

Well I survived my first night taking Movical. I've been taking large doses of laxatives every night for years now, and my body is totally dependent on them. Technically it wasn't my fault I started taking them; my GP prescribed senna a few years back to try and sort out my life-long lazy bowel (colon neuropathy or something) and my bowels became dependent on them. Over time you build up tolerance so need more and more of the pills to get the same, erm, effect. I will state here that while I may have anorexia badly, laxatives have never been a part of purging behaviour. A lot of anorexics take them thinking they'll lose weight. That doesn't work; the food is digested before it reaches the colon. All laxatives do is aid expulsion from the body and cause fluid loss.

Anyway, I have been trying to get off senna for ages, but can't manage to reduce the number of pills I take any further. So I consulted a gastro doctor who recommended Movical. You have 2 sachets a day, and it has a bulking effect that aids expulsion, without the same stimulant effect of senna. So yesterday I took my first 2 sachets and still took my laxatives as instructed. I was scared that the 2 together would make me really ill - the effect of the senna often makes me quite weak and sick - but although things were pretty hairy, I somehow got through the night. Tonight I'll reduce my senna by 1 tablet, and then keep going like that for a few weeks when I'll reduce them again. It's going to be a long time, but hopefully in the end I'll just be on Movical and not senna, which will be better for my bowel in the long term. If I don't do something soonish I'll probably end up with a colostomy bag a few years down the line. I hope to god this works.

I've been feeling really rubbish in general these past couple of weeks. Apart from feeling really ill and sicky, I'm just not coping too well with eating a bit. I've cut back my intake a fair bit recently, and upped my activity. I feel so fat, so disgusting, so ugly. L swears blind I've not gained weight but I look at myself and see a hippo looking back. I knew trying to eat and get stronger wouldn't be easy, but does it have to be so hard? I don't want to regress 2 months to when I spent every other week in hospital on heart monitors and IVs. But I'm so tired. Tired of feeling fat, feeling inferior, having physical problems, being terrified if I eat more lettuce with my salad, let alone a pizza which I crave but could never have. I want to be "normal", I want it all to go away. I don't want to throw up every night, or get tired very quickly, or wake up with blue lips and tongue. I used to be a someone, but now I'm nothing. I just don't want to be me.

Where in the world....

...is Rotherham?!!!! When I visit anyone's blog, it says I'm from Rotherham. Where the hell is that?!!!!!

Fragility of life

My philosophy for the past couple of years has been to live every day like it's your last. Never go to bed on an argument or leave things unsaid. Tell L and my parents every day that I love them. Maybe this is stuff that everyone should do, but for the past few years, it has never been certain if I'll wake up in the morning. I'd go to bed never sure if my body would keep going long enough to see another day.

And so far it has.

But I'm nobody's fool; I'm fully aware of the fact that, while I may not be as at much risk now as, say 3 months ago, I'm still pretty damn ill and the risk will be there for a long period of time to come. Even if I "recover", get to a "healthy" weight, etc etc, I've done so much damage to my body that it could still conk out suddenly. L's dad once dated a recovered anorexic who suddenly died of heart failure, despite being at a healthy weight and physically well for years.

While my own mortality has been a major issue to my family and loved ones, I feel I personally have neglected the fact that others are just as fragile. The first example of this is my dear friend H, who underwent brain surgery to remove a meningioma at New Year. I had no idea she'd been ill; I was in and out of hospital so frequently, and recovering from my own serious head injury that when I hadn't heard much from her on her return from her holiday to Cuba, I just assumed she was caught up in her own life. To know that she went through traumatic surgery, then waited for the results of the biopsy on the tumour before I heard a thing, well, I felt like the crappest friend in existance. I know objectively speaking I couldn't have done a damn thing, being so ill myself, but I love this girl to bits. She means the world to me, and I felt like I should've been well enough to be there for her. All I could do was send flowers and cards. I wanted to be able to visit and watch chick flicks with her, paint her nails, just pamper her in general. When I'm well enough to travel, I want to visit her and spoil her rotten. She's been so incredibly brave. If I hadn't starved so badly I would've been a better friend to her. I just pray that the tumour doesn't recur, but if it does, I'll damn well be there for her this time. I can't let myself get so ill again.

The next reminder of how fragile life is is N's story. She was a colleague of my mum's but I knew her and got on well with her as she was - is - my age. She had breast cancer a couple of years ago and was doing really well. She got married last years and was pregnant with her first child...and then found another lump. The baby was induced at 8ish months, and N had the lump removed, only to be told she had liver and lung mets. She won't live much more than 3 months now. I feel heartbroken for her....she has a new husband and a new baby, and she'll never see her daughter sit up, crawl, walk, talk. She'll miss her first birthday and Christmas. Her husband will lose the mother of his baby. It's so damn sad. And a year ago they must've thought they had the world at their feet.

So yeah. A gloomy blog today but just needed to get those things out.

I need my ED, but I have to let go of it enough to be able to do stuff. Like fly out to see my friend Dagny when she conceives (or to help her pick up the pieces if the ivf fails), see my friend H and be there if she gets sick again, and just be there if and when someone needs me.

How the hell do they work?!!!

Ok so now I'm making more jewellery again, I decided to invest in a little soldering iron to secure wire stuff.
I soldered in high school without a problem.
Can I do it now?! Can I heck! I was practising (good job too as working on a Swarvoski necklace straight away would've been a biiiiiiiiiiiig mistake!) but it just didn't seem to work.
I mean, The iron tip melted the solder, but I couldn't seem to transfer the molten blob onto the wire bead. How hard can it be?! Apparently it's bloody hard!
Dagny, does your man know the secrets of soldering?! I know that's probably sexist but only a man would be nuts enough to play with a soldering iron!

Spring fever?!

For one, I'll say right now that I feel guilty writing this post.

Past couple of weeks I've felt a lot more tired and been sick way more than before. I know vomiting has been an issue since my head injury, and with my renal failure I tend to get sick during the night and sometimes during the day, but it's got a fair bit worse recently. I've been broody for a fair while now, to the point where I often sub-consciously rub my stomach until I suddenly become aware of it and remember there is no baby in it. I've also had more of a libido. L and I both came to the question as to whether I could be pregnant or not. It was crazy - I've not had periods for 5 years, and when we do get jiggy we use protection. But still, all these anomalies pointed to the possibility of pregnancy. Occasionally a low weight anorexic can conceive, even if she's not menstruating.

So last night I took a test. Negative. And it's blatently obvious it would've been, but my god was I gutted. It's crazy; I am no way strong enough to carry a baby. I hate the house/area we live in, so much so that we will move before we start a family as this is not a good place for kiddies. It's not a good time to have babies, what with the wedding next year and all. A baby now would be a bad thing...right? But my god am I upset about it. Which is why I feel guilty; my dear friend Dagny deserves to be a mum before I do. She's tried for so long now. I don't deserve to have a baby unplanned right now. SO why do I keep getting the test stick out of the bin in case a second line has appeared overnight?

Argghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Someone give me a shake!

L did something so sweet after work last night. He took me to the lake on campus and had with him 2 wine glasses and a bottle of Appletise to drink as the sun went down. It was so romantic, so unexpected. I think he's making an effort, and I was very touched.

Horsey shenanigans

I'm never very good at coming up with titles for my blog entries.
I sit and stare at the title box for a bit then decide to write and come back to it later. I wonder if that's how authors name their books...?

It's been a weird few days. After a spate of mild food poisoning yesterday, L is back at work today starting a new rotation. He's on acute medical admissions which means he'll work longer days and more on call hours. I a couple of weeks he does a week of nights which sucks for me as he sleeps all day and works all night. More loneliness for me. But at least the food police will be out of town, so to speak!

So yeah, after a pitiful attempt at eating a little bit of spaghetti bolognese (minus the spaghetti - carb phobia ahoy here!), we both ended up with food poisoning yesterday. Only when you're in kidney failure, it has a serious knock-on effect to hydration levels so I was much more seriously affected thaan L. I went to bed at 10pm, and apart from my usual of getting up to pee and puke, I did not wake until 2.15pm. I slept through my alarm which was an arse because I had therapy this morning. Oh well.... I was not in great shape when I did wake.

Anyway, my big trial today is horsey-related. I woke to a text from one of the people who works on the new yard where I moved my horse a month ago. She wanted to put my horse onto pony nuts. I texted back to say I did not want her feed changed (been there, done that, makes my horse totally fizzed up which is bad if I want to start working her). I also said I needed to speak to her and when would be a good time to catch her on the phone. She said she's busy so text it through.

So I did and she massively over-reacted to something I said and blew me out via text.
Money aside, I do not expect to receive crap like that via text from a little upstart who thinks she's something special. So I called the woman who ran my old yard, and the good news is she's moving next month, so a couple of months to renovate a barn into stables and I'm moving back to her. She was good to me, like a second mum. She cares about me, loves my horse, and looks after us. It'll be further to go on bus but I think that's for the best. Too much money and L may want me to sell her.
If I lose my horse, I lose my fight to live.

If I was trapped in my home...

Created by OnePlusYou

I reckon it'd be longer....I don't eat the same amount as a whole person! And L has a load of beer he could live off.
Hmmm, which cat would we eat first......??!!!


Thanks for that Dagny!