Bums and tums

Well I survived my first night taking Movical. I've been taking large doses of laxatives every night for years now, and my body is totally dependent on them. Technically it wasn't my fault I started taking them; my GP prescribed senna a few years back to try and sort out my life-long lazy bowel (colon neuropathy or something) and my bowels became dependent on them. Over time you build up tolerance so need more and more of the pills to get the same, erm, effect. I will state here that while I may have anorexia badly, laxatives have never been a part of purging behaviour. A lot of anorexics take them thinking they'll lose weight. That doesn't work; the food is digested before it reaches the colon. All laxatives do is aid expulsion from the body and cause fluid loss.

Anyway, I have been trying to get off senna for ages, but can't manage to reduce the number of pills I take any further. So I consulted a gastro doctor who recommended Movical. You have 2 sachets a day, and it has a bulking effect that aids expulsion, without the same stimulant effect of senna. So yesterday I took my first 2 sachets and still took my laxatives as instructed. I was scared that the 2 together would make me really ill - the effect of the senna often makes me quite weak and sick - but although things were pretty hairy, I somehow got through the night. Tonight I'll reduce my senna by 1 tablet, and then keep going like that for a few weeks when I'll reduce them again. It's going to be a long time, but hopefully in the end I'll just be on Movical and not senna, which will be better for my bowel in the long term. If I don't do something soonish I'll probably end up with a colostomy bag a few years down the line. I hope to god this works.

I've been feeling really rubbish in general these past couple of weeks. Apart from feeling really ill and sicky, I'm just not coping too well with eating a bit. I've cut back my intake a fair bit recently, and upped my activity. I feel so fat, so disgusting, so ugly. L swears blind I've not gained weight but I look at myself and see a hippo looking back. I knew trying to eat and get stronger wouldn't be easy, but does it have to be so hard? I don't want to regress 2 months to when I spent every other week in hospital on heart monitors and IVs. But I'm so tired. Tired of feeling fat, feeling inferior, having physical problems, being terrified if I eat more lettuce with my salad, let alone a pizza which I crave but could never have. I want to be "normal", I want it all to go away. I don't want to throw up every night, or get tired very quickly, or wake up with blue lips and tongue. I used to be a someone, but now I'm nothing. I just don't want to be me.