God damn the NHS

I'm so unbelievably pissed off with our health service right now. I know it's great in that you get free health care (even if you do indirectly pay for it via tax) but it's sucked for a while and sucks even harder right now.

I managed to stagger to my GP yesterday. The whole session wasn't great; we usually have a great rapport and seem to put the world (or at least my world!) to rights in a 20 minute session, but yesterday he was off kilter entirely. He's had his own issues for a few months, but I thought after 8 weeks of doctor avoidance he may be back on form. Apparently not. My GP is a fantastic doctor, but whenever I'm trying the whole recovery thing he has a tendency to become deluded into thinking everything's going great, I'm getting stronger, eating well, etc, and doesn't listen to me when I try to tell him how it really is. He was going on about how it's great that I've not been in hospital since I was in high dependency unit at the end of January. I was trying to say it's because being in HDU scared the shit out of me so I've either avoiding him when I've been really ill since then, or just been too ill to get to my appointment so cancelled it and rebooked. Anyway, the whole time there was a waste of time, and given how awful I felt to get there and back, I'd have been better off in bed. I spent most of the time in tears and generally feeling frustrated. But he did take my bloods.

So yesterday afternoon I began the familiar pattern of waiting for my blood results and wondering if I'd end up in hospital. I crawled into bed once I got back from the surgery and didn't get back up again. As evening drew on my health deteriorated; my heart rate went haywire and I got those awful palpitations and chest pains that tell me my potassium is deadly low and I need a drip and heart monitor pronto. L spent most of the night checking on me to see if I was still alive. In the morning he was prepared to stay home from work to get me to hospital but I sent him in, telling him he could always come home once we knew my results. I slept most of the morning (sleeping through the postman so now have to rearrange to get Dagny's package delivered on Friday!) and still hadn't heard from my GP at lunch so called up. This was weird in itself; even when my results are good for me they're pretty bad for the average person so I always hear by the following morning, if not the night before.

My GP told me they were horrendous. My potassium is 2.1, my urea is 19 and my eGFR (basic renal function) is 29 which is way down, and below where they should think about dialysis. All the other results were equally as bad. The outcome? F*ck all. No hospital admission, no additional treatment, nothing. Don't get me wrong, I abhor that hospital, but I'm not so stupid that I would take a chance on my life, and that is just gambling with my life.

When I texted L to tell him the results he was furious. I feel let down, scared, and cheated, because I've tried to do the right things but my body isn't playing ball. I'm trying to eat, I've cut down my laxatives, I take my meds, I swim which helps my heart and the elimination of renal toxins. I was so ill last night and am not so good today, but my GP wasn't even going to tell me what my results were! To me this just shows how complacent they've all become. They've given up trying to help, given up making an effort. I'm obviously not worth saving. And coupled with the potential loss of therapy, it makes me think why the hell am I even bothering? All the effort, all the heartache, all the crap of trying to overcome a life-long eating disorder, and for what? SO I will just die anyway because the fricking NHS don't give a shit.

When you feel worthless anyway, this does nothing to challenge that feeling. I feel so alone right now.