Sunny days

Well that's not technically true, as the British version of the monsoon is currently going on outside, but I feel quite sunny!

I've been lying low the past few days. I've been quite tired, and the depression's been roaring it's ugly head a bit. But I had a really good chat with Dagny yesterday which helped a whole load, and L was quite attentive last night, and it's amazing how that can really help.

This morning I went swimming with him (he's off today as he's on nights next week) and was pleased to find I'm a bit fitter. My body's slowly getting stronger...when I think of how I couldn't walk unaided in December it makes me shudder. People don't realise anorexia can do that to you. It's tough because I look at my slightly heavier body, and while I can see that it's a bit bigger with muscle and fluid retention, not fat, it's still more body. I still feel like I take up too much space. But as Dagny would say, I deserve to take up space. Just really hard believing that sometimes.

I had a letter yesterday from the consultant who was in charge of the nutrition unit where I went for tests a fewe weeks back. They found abnormalities which is good as maybe them fixing them will make me feel better. But it's bad because they're not sure what to do about them, so I have to go in for another few days when a bed's available for more tests and drips and shit. Once was enough. Seriously. I don't want to go in. It's looking like my problem is secondary hyperaldosteronism, secondary to either heart or kidney failure (which we already know I have). I feel like going in for further tests is pointless; I don't think the problem will be fixable, and it's a hell of a lot of stress and a waste of their time and resources. And maybe I'm scared too.

But hey, I'm planning to visit Dagny next summer so I need to be strong for that. I can't wait....!