Busy busy busy

It's been a while since I last posted on here. Past few days seem to have flown by, despite the fact that not much seems to have been achieved.

Thursday.
Thursday night was L's last night on call, and he surprised me by getting a mention on national radio saying he loves me. That made me feel so warm and fuzzy. A far cry from a few weeks back when things didn't look so great between us. It's funny, because the free things in life are always the things that mean most to me. While some women may be wooed by a diamond or pair of shoes, just having L tell the world he loves me meant more than any material stuff would. That doesn't mean a diamond or a pair of shoes wouldn't be welcomed, I hasten to add! So I went to sleep that night feeling loved. Best feeling in the world.

Friday.
This was always going to be a great day as it was the first evening in the week whereby L didn't have to go to work in the evening! I didn't do much during the day, just made sure the house was nice and tidy so we could have fun when he woke up and not think about housework. Also I was on a buzz from doiet pills so was firing on all 4 cylinders. During the evening we watched Harry Potter 5 on dvd which I'd just bought, and had a nice snuggly time.

Saturday.
Not such a great day. L and I swam early afternoon which is always great. I was beginning to feel pretty rubbish that day but wasn't so bad that I couldn't mind over matter it and get some lengths swum. I think I'm getting fitter which is great. Can now do 30m underwater, and I've sped up in general. Unfortunately my body isn't as forgiving when it comes to getting out of the water, but while I'm in it's great. I've always felt safe in water, and am at peace. I really miss my competitive swimming days; it was always so effortless but I never took it for granted...every gold medal was precious. I really miss the thrill I got from competing, and while I still have a great style, I lack the stamina. I often wonder what would've happened had I chosen the other path when I was given a choice. At the time being an academic, working as a doctor was more important than being an Olympian. What if I'd stuck with swimming? Would I still've gotten M.E.? I still would've had the abuse, but wouldn't have come to uni so wouldn't have been raped. Then I wouldn't have anorexia so badly now. But conversely I wouldn't have met L or my beloved horse. Who knows?
Anyway, after swimming we had intended to go to the stables but it was like a monsoon outside and I'm not supposed to get drenched in the rain as it makes my health worse so we planned to go the next day. Then L's friend invited himself up for the night. I wasn't keen but S has had some stresses recently, and I wanted L to be happpy so I agreed. I wasn't really in the mood; been particularly depressed and could've done with L's individual attention, but a friend in need and all that. It wasn't the best evening, but the guys had fun.

Sunday.
L had eaten too much curry the night before so felt rubbish most of the morning, so the day went fairly slowly. We did manage to get a quick swim in before S went home mid-afternoon. I was glad when he went. I feel like a clingy toddler....just want to cling to him and not be let go. Maybe I'm just insecure with life. The possibility of losing my therapy has really rocked me. Every significant person in my life eventually leaves me. I feel so vulnerable and frightened at the moment, which is probably why I want to cling to L as I do at the moment. Good job he's a tactile person so loves the physical contact!

Monday.
L's last day off after nights. I was meant to see my therapist during the afternoon but I'd come out with a bad ear/throat/chest infection the night before and was feeling terrible, so had to cancel appointment. I spent most of the day lying down doing nothing, and during the afternoon I watched a dvd with L. His mum and her husband needed somewhere to stay overnight so crashed with us during the evening. It's not that I mind her so much, she's had her moments but is mostly ok, but it's her husband I object to. She was on business up here so obviously needed to be here overnight, but he won't let her go away overnight without him so always comes up later by train. If he was a nice person it wouldn't be so bad, but he's not and I feel very uncomfortable around him.
One good thing that came out of her being here though is that I got paid for making her a chain! She had an old locket that she wanted a chain for, and had commissioned me to make something in keeping with the antiquity of the locket. After much thought I made something with Swarovski crystals and stirling silver chain, but was worried she wouldn't like it. Thankfully she loved it! When it can to her paying I got L to help; I'm rubbish at valuing my own work, so would've asked for £10, even though that wouldn't have covered the crystals, let alone the rest of it and labour. L suggested £20 but she insisted on £30! So many people have suggested I sell my stuff on eBay, so maybe I'll have to think about it seriously because God knows I need the money!

Today.
I finally got to my GP today after having to cancel several times in recent weeks due to feeling too rubbish to get there. I felt pretty terrible this morning, and had to sit down several times en route and was dead on my feet when I arrived, but I got there. I've had my bloods taken, so am just waiting to hear if my bloods are good enough for me to stay out of hospital. My potassium's usually about 2.5mmol/L (normal = 3.5-5.5mmol/L), but I'm only admitted if it's 2.1 or less. Don't get me wrong, 2.5 is a fatal level but my body has adapted to it so my GP only sends me in at 2.1 otherwise I'd never get out of hospital! The thought of an IV with potassium in is quite nice right now as I feel dreadful, but I really really hate hospital admissions. There's a lot of anorexic bashing that goes on and I can't handle the stress right now. My heart isn't doing so well either (due to low potassium). If it gets worse Iill have to go in, but if I can avoid it I'll stay out.


So yeah, my last few days in a nutshell. What a dull life I lead!

Dagny I'm thinking of you today.xxx